Personal Demons
by Celine Mariamo
Summary: Dean yanked the door open, his features drawn into a scowl. "What the hell do you want!" ... "You're not answering your phone. Or texts. You've been MIA for a week now." Sam said pissily. Ruby has done everything she can to drive the brothers apart... can they ever put this right? Severe Dean!whump, vicious Demon!Ruby and anguished!Sam.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Dean, Sam, Ruby, Lilith and the Impala do not belong to us in any way. We are just playing with the characters. This story is written purely for enjoyment, with no profit of any kind expected, intended or desired. (co-written by CelineNaville and Mariamo)_

 **Personal Demons**

 **Chapter One**

.

Dean Winchester was in his cups. Not three sheets to the wind or piss drunk or any other colorful metaphor but definitely, solidly in his cups. He'd gotten ahold of Yeungling in the last New York town they'd been in and had made short work of the stuff by himself in the motel room in wherever the fuck he was and then started on the whiskey.

He felt distinctly lonely without Sam with him... was pissed at himself for feeling that way, since by his brother's absence, the sentiment was obviously not returned.

There was a gentle knock on the door. Dean peered out the peep hole, saw the long dark curtain of hair and the full lips. He cracked the door open, blocked the entrance with his broad shoulders and growled at her. "Ruby, what are you doing here?"

"That's nice. We need to talk."

"No," Dean retorted. "We really don't."

"We do if you still care about your little brother. But hey, if not, why should I care." Ruby shrugged and turned to leave.

Dean took the bait and cracked the door open farther, raised an eyebrow. "What did you do to Sam?"

Ruby looked back over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow. "Why would I do anything to Sam? I actually like him."

"Yeah. Sure you do, bitch."

"Oh I do." She smirked, in a deliberately annoying manner.

"Cut to the point, Ruby. I'm not in the mood."

"Seems to me you're always in a mood. So, are you going to invite me in?"

Dean glared at her. "No. You can tell me right here what the problem is. And I can tell you right here to fuck off."

"Charming. Okay. We'll stand here in the hall, where everybody and their uncle can hear us. And we'll let everyone hear about how your brother is going to kill someone."

Dean grabbed her arm attempting to yank her inside, gripping her tiny bicep in his hand, resisting the urge to crush it. He felt her body go with him and then suddenly hit an invisible force and bounce back.

Ruby recoiled with a muttered curse, looking pointedly at the salt line. "You really are stupid, aren't you, Winchester! Salt! You moronic son of a bitch."

Dean scuffed the line. "You have 10 seconds before I throw your ass out the window."

Ruby stalked past him, flipping her hair over her shoulder in an affronted manner.

"What do you want?" Dean watched her suspiciously, jaw tight. He blinked to clear his head.

"Well Dean..." Ruby propped herself casually against the wall. "You seem a little out of sorts?"

"Huh?" He scrubbed a hand over his face. "M not out of sorts. What do you want, Ruby? Last chance."

"Nor out of whiskey, by the smell." Ruby wrinkled her nose in distaste. "I suppose you aren't going to offer me a drink? No? Thought not."

"Yeah." Dean replied, agitated by her mere presence. "I got some holy water. Want some?"

"Umm no. I find it a little sharp on the palate. We need to talk about Sam."

"Okay, he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What about Sam."

"He's bitten off more than he can chew."

"Funny. You don't look that big."

Ruby smiled at him sweetly, a malicious glint in her eyes. "Oh, now that's a whole other story."

Dean's green eyes turned hard, like a shard of cut glass."You bitch." He stepped toward her. "You whore! I knew it." The thought of Sam with her made his stomach clench. "You leave my little brother alone!"

"Your manners really are crap. Maybe I'd better just leave."

Dean grabbed her and slammed her into the wall, his whiskey breath in her face. "What. Do. You. Want."

Ruby hissed; Dean was repelled backwards at speed. "I'm going to say this once. You lay another finger on me, you bow-legged freak and I'm out of here! And it will be too late to help your little brother."

Dean staggered back from the force of the blow and caught his balance, gave her an uncowed glare.

"I didn't have to come here. I'm here because it's Sam."

Dean remained silent and waited for her to speak, though everything about his face and posture belied the calm. He wanted to kill her. Truly and deeply.

Ruby's gaze flicked up and down his taut body. "You know what... forget it. I'm going. You're not worth the trouble. You probably couldn't help save his ass anyway."

"Stop trying to manipulate me you skank. What is wrong with Sam?"

Ruby stepped away through the doorway. "Ask nicely, Dean."

Dean paused, his chest rising and falling with a repressed breath. He swallowed. "Ruby what's wrong with my brother?"

"That's better. Your brother is going after Lilith."

"What?" Dean shook his head. "Goddammit."

"I tried to stop him. But you know Sam."

"I bet you did." It was an accusation.

Ruby glared at him. "Of course I did! He's not ready yet. One day he'll be able to take her. Right now, it's a suicide mission. Use your brain. If I wanted him to go, I wouldn't be here!"

"He shouldn't be taking her on at all. He should let it go. I did my time. It's over."

"Tell him that. He's an adult. Over the age of consent. It's his call, ultimately. But he's not ready yet."

"I've tried but he doesn't listen to me much anymore." Dean's look was an accusation. The resentment palpable. The unspoken weight behind the words evident. "He doesn't listen to me because of you."

"Ahh." A smile curved Ruby's lips. "Are you feeling a little jealous there, sweetie?"

"Of what?"

"He's not responding quite so much to your controlling attitude perhaps?"

Dean but his lip. "Yeah cause you've gotten into his head."

Ruby's dark eyebrow curled dramatically upwards. "So… if someone got into your head, you'd abandon little Sammy?"

Dean ignored her, pulled his cell out of his pocket. Never taking his eyes off of her he dialed Sam's number, let it ring. It went to voicemail. Dean licked his lips. "Sam, man, call me." He hung up. "Of course not. But I'm not naïve like he is. I know better than to trust a demon."

"Don't be such a racist." Ruby smirked. She widened her stance. "Seems like right now he can trust me more than you. I'm here trying to help him. You're bitching about your hurt feelings."

Dean took a step toward her menacingly. "Don't."

"I warned you." She wagged a finger at him. "One more and I'm gone."

"Just tell me where he's headed and I'll go myself. And you can go back to doing whatever demon skank things you do."

"No. We go together or we don't go at all."

"Together?" Dean's voice was incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "You really are a bit slow aren't you? You can't find Lilith. I can sense Sam, you can't."

"Then why are YOU asking me along at all?"

"Because he just might stop if you ask him to. Because he's still doing this for you, you ass."

Dean looked vaguely smug. "So you don't have all the sway in him yet, huh?"

"I don't need sway. I just thought you might want to stop him getting killed. Demon here, remember? I can find him after death if I want to."

Dean's jaw went tight. The thought unsettling him in ways he didn't even comprehend.

Ruby put her hands on her hips, jutting her chest in Dean's direction. "I'm getting bored."

"So what do you propose we do?" Dean shrugged into his green jacket, grabbed his keys.

"I propose that unless you've learnt how to zap yourself from A to B, we get in that hunk of metal you call a car and drive."

"You think I'm gonna let you pollute my Baby?"

"Fine." Ruby turned on her heel and headed further from the door.

Dean bit his lip. His expression torn. Anxiety for Sam battling through his slightly muddled thoughts. "Where is he. Tell me where he headed."

She sounded bored. "North… and West a bit."

"Well that's precise." Dean frowned. "Thanks. You got a city?"

"We'll figure it out as we go. Finding someone with your senses doesn't usually provide a GPS location y'know. We head North and West. You can manage that? You can read a map can't you?"

Dean followed behind the click of her high heeled black boots, hating himself. He finally responded. "Get in the car."

The demon pulled open the Impala's passenger door, wincing at the rusty screech. "Gentlemen hold the door open. But you're not one of those, are you?"

"We do that for LADIES Which you are not last I checked."

"Damn straight, cherry pie. I'm not a lady." She smiled. "I have far too much fun."

"Yeah whatever." Dean recoiled. "Keep it to yourself." He started Baby, took a breath, trying to keep his discomfort under control. Ruby sitting in the passenger seat...in Sam's seat made him want to kill her.

He pulled out of the driveway onto the road and turned up the music, heading north.

"Is this car up to the trip?"

Dean answered gruffly. "Of course."

"Are you?" Ruby observed his clear discomfort with interest. Maybe this trip might be more fun than she'd anticipated.

He ignored the second question, fairly certain that he wasn't up to the trip. "She's up to anything, huh baby?" He patted the dash.

Ruby sighed. "You're talking to your car now? Great start."

Dean's shoulders tensed, stiff, rigid, every muscle signaling his dislike of her and his distrust of the situation he'd just willingly been drawn into.

.

 _ **More soon…**_

 _ **Love to know what you think!**_

 _ **Thank you for reading.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Two**

.

The Impala roared along in a north-westerly direction.

Ruby flicked her way through the battered cardboard box of old cassette tapes. "You have a very limited taste in music."

Dean glanced sideways at her. "I like the classics."

"These are not classics!" A snort and a roll of the eyes accompanied her words.

"Get your hands off my tapes anyway." He growled. "If I don't give you permission to touch something in here, you don't touch it."

Ruby chuckled. "Touchy. You're a very uptight personality really, aren't you?"

Dean didn't answer at first. He rolled down the driver's side window. He didn't notice it in close quarters outside, but for some reason since he'd been locked with her in the car, she'd been giving off a trace of a sulfur smell. It was making him distinctly jittery. Memories of his time in hell were not too far behind him.

"Only when I'm with a demon." Dean took a deep breath through his nose to keep calm.

Ruby watched him, considering. He was so much more on edge than she'd expected. "You seem a little nervous, Dean? Edgy even."

"M not nervous." He snapped back with vitriol, pissed that she'd perceived his weakness. "I'm not edgy!"

"Of course not." The words were loaded with sarcasm. "That must be kind of hard to live with."

"What?" His eyes were glued to the road, fingers tight on the wheel. She could see the white around his knuckles, standing out against the various cuts and scrapes there.

"Edgy _and_ in denial."

"I'm not in denial and I'm not edgy!"

A rich laugh erupted from Ruby's full lips. "Whatever."

"When we're done here, I want YOU away from my brother."

The dark eyebrow curled again. "I think that's up to him. He's an adult."

"He's confused and not thinkin' straight. I want you away."

"No."

Dean glared at her sideways, clearly trying to restrain himself.

Ruby pursed her lips. "Has it ever crossed your mind that you are one of the main reasons Sam has to get away?"

"What?" He replied, still pissy.

"That controlling streak of yours."

"Doesn't even make sense." He shot back without thinking.

Ruby spoke with calm assurance. "He managed okay without you, Dean."

"Oh. Yeah." He said. "Just fine. Drank himself half to death, shacked up with a demon skank, running after a demon on a suicide mission. He's peachy."

Pure acid dripped from her tone. "That really scares you doesn't it, that he doesn't need you as badly as you need him." She glanced sideways to see what affect her words had on Dean. "Makes you all mouthy."

"The head games won't work." Dean said calmly, but the tightness in his jaw and shoulder belied the words.

"On you! You're easy meat."

"Whatever, bitch."

"Head more north." She chuckled. "Aww, are you using pet names for me now?"

There was a long pause while he seemed to be considering his words, choosing something to say.

"North is good. Never heading south with you, baby."

"I hope not." Smugly. "You'd never match up."

Her words confirmed the fear that he knew, but didn't want to give voice to with Sam. " He's sleeping with you?"

"Sleeping with me? No. We don't do much sleeping."

"Dammit Sam!"

Ruby smiled, showing her white teeth.

"No wonder he can't think straight!" Dean's upset was palpable. It was a distinct flare of rage accompanied by underlying pain. So stereotypically this Winchester. "I...can't even believe how twisted he is right now." He noticed Ruby's amusement at the response. "Quit smiling or I'll slap it off your face!"

"No you won't. Not if you care about your brother." Her dark eyes traced him appraisingly. "He can think straight. Like comes to like eventually."

Dean swung the car off the road and slammed on the brake so hard that the tires threw gravel behind them.

"What did you just say?! Don't you ever say that!"

"There goes that denial again. Wow, you're quite something."

He was in full rage now. "I will break your face. Sam is NOTHING like you." His lip curled in disgust. "You're not even good enough to lick his feet."

"You're an asshole. Right now I'm the only thing helping your brother get ready for what's coming!" Ruby glowered at him. "Are you planning on driving, because time is ticking."

"Oh a demon called me an asshole. I'm so hurt."

"Any time now would be good." Ruby gestured at the road.

Dean slammed out of the car and took a few deep breaths, trying to rein in his emotion.

"Oh for the love of... Now he has a tantrum. No wonder Sam is sick of you." Ruby settled back in the passenger seat and crossed her arms.

"Shut up! Just shut up so I can freaking think!"

Dean drew out his cell and tried calling Sam again. He felt distinctly ill, the whiskey and beer hitting him hard, drunk in a not good way. He was agitated, upset, worried. The call went to voicemail. He swore and hung up.

"Tell you what, forget it." Ruby's voice reached him through the open door. "I'll go myself. What is there to think about! We're on a rescue mission here."

Dean's hands were shaking. He ran them through his hair and composed himself.

"Concentrate." Ruby's voice was sharp. "If you're not too drunk!"

"Right. Don't talk to me." He climbed back behind the wheel and pulled out without even checking for traffic.

"You're a nervous wreck, aren't you?" It was a menacing purr. "Maybe you should give up hunting?"

He punched her in the shoulder so quickly she didn't see it coming.

Ruby swung back immediately, ensuring her fist landed hard where it would mark his face.

Dean blinked in shock, fought with the wheel for a moment.

"Stop that!"

"Stop what?!"

"You crash, you die. I don't." It was a flat statement of facts.

"I'm swerving because you decked me in the face, bitch!"

"Hit me, I'm gonna hit you right back!" The demon's voice was a venomous hiss.

Dean shook his head disparagingly. "I don't know how Sam can stand your ass."

Ruby chuckled, not concerned at all by the insults. "He likes my ass just fine."

Dean's jaw went tight again. "One more word, Ruby. One more fucking word." He glared daggers at her, unable to lash out physically like he clearly wanted to. "You're a fucking c-," he slammed his fist down on the steering wheel. "You know that?" The resounding slap of skin against wheel was so loud that he'd drowned out his own expletive. It was clearly obvious what he'd said.

Ruby burst out laughing. "Oh Dean Winchester! Language!"

"I don't even have words to describe the pile of filth you are."

"You're not very good at arguments, are you?"

"M not arguing with you. Just tellin' it like I see it."

"Good excuse."

Dean was silent a second. "And I don't like you manipulating my baby brother." It was a definite threat.

"I don't need to manipulate him. He does what he wants! Whether you like it or not."

"You're leading him by the prick. And you know it."

Well, she thought, this Winchester didn't mince words like his brother.

"Of course." The demon's tone dripped with sarcasm. "Because _you_ never fuck what you want, you're always led. What a pile of bullshit! But hey, never mind. Let's just ask Sam when we see him."

"He doesn't want you." Dean said assuredly. "Sam sleeps with nice chicks."

"Well…" The words were a slow, evil drawl. "Not since you went to hell."

Dean flinched as the words met their mark.

He was so on edge and unhinged it was almost too easy, really. He was blood in the water. She couldn't have restrained her instincts even if she'd wanted to. Ruby pressed the point home. "He can walk off any time he likes."

"If I'd known..." Dean whispered.

Ruby cut him off. "How was Alistair anyway?"

Dean's entire body flinched. "Great company. Like you."

"Hear you spent some quality time together." She watched him; his face was definitely paler than when they'd started out.

"Yeah." He said tightly. "Great guy."

"I'm sure he taught you a lot. Like how you aren't as strong as you thought."

"I'm plenty strong." He said, radiating weakness.

"Of course you are." Ruby patted his knee. "Stable too."

"Seems like you know an awful lot of hell gossip for someone who is supposedly a good demon." He wasn't going down without a fight, even as off kilter as he was.

"Of course." Ruby sounded genuinely surprised. "Know your enemy."

"Or your allies, you mean."

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer." She raised her eyebrow again. Dean was getting sick of the sight of it crawling its way up her forehead. "You have heard that before?"

After a little pause, Ruby sighed in a wistful sort of way. "You know. I miss hell sometimes." She shot a glance at him, gauging his reaction. "All those racks... That screaming. Didn't think I would…"

Dean's nostrils flared. "Shut up."

She continued as though he hadn't spoken. "Sometimes it's not so good here."

"Oh you prefer that to this? Obviously."

The next words were conversational, one old friend to another. "Seems too clean... no smell of blood, burning flesh. Remember that do you? At least you know where you stand there. Well unless you swap sides like you did."

That hit its mark; Dean looked distinctly ill.

Ruby smirked. "You okay there Dean, you look a little pale? Don't tell me you'd forgotten the rack?" She watched with interest as a bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. Then another. He dashed at them with his cuff.

"I'm fine if you'd stop your bitchin." He mumbled, then almost frantically. "Shut up. Shut up!"

Ruby's eyes glinted. "All those screaming souls…"

His heart was pounding so hard she could see the pulse of it in his neck.

She put a hand to her mouth in mock horror. "Remember when they sent you a copy of Sam? To gut you?"

"Please stop." Dean's voice had changed tone and his eyes were distant, glued ahead, betraying the confusion. Somewhere in their depths she was certain he saw Alastair.

There was a hiss in his ear. "Did it hurt... when they burnt you?"

His breathing grew heavy, his chest expanding rapidly.

The words dripped like poison, on and on. "I hear the skin peeling is a bitch."

"Stop." He still sounded distant. It was a plea. "Stop."

"Do you need to pull over?" Ruby's voice was full of friendly concern. "I think you should."

Dean's complexion had blanched under his sweat. His jaw tight.

The demon reached out, trailing a finger down the side of Dean's pale cheek. "You're really pretty when you panic, you know? Hmmm? Ah, but you do know. Alistair told you."

"Huh?" He asked dazedly, the beautiful eyes on her for a second.

"How many times was it, that he made you cut off little Deano? Bet that stung."

Dean started to cry silently, tears leaking down his cheek as he swerved the car over, taking out a few Mile markers along the side of the road with a thump thump thump.

Ruby flashed her black demon eyes at him. "Try braking maybe? Oh, you've dented your car."

Dean slammed on the brakes. The car came to a halt so hard he bashed his head on the steering wheel.

.

 _Thank you for reading! Many thanks to_ _ **iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, Ruby, mckydstarlight, Shazza85, Hare in the Moonlight**_ _and our_ _ **Guest**_ _for your reviews; we really appreciate them._


	3. Chapter 3

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Three**

.

 _Dean started to cry silently, tears leaking down his cheek as he swerved the car over, taking out a few Mile markers along the side of the road with a thump thump thump._

 _Ruby flashed her black demon eyes at him. "Try braking maybe? Oh, you've dented your car."_

 _Dean slammed on the brakes. The car came to a halt so hard he bashed his head on the steering wheel._

Ruby tutted, smirking, clearly delighted by the turn of events.

Dean blinked dazedly, half conscious from the blow to his forehead. He remained like that for a moment and then scrambled over Ruby's lap and tried to wrench open the passenger side door in a confused urgency.

She hissed viciously as his knees dug into the side of her thigh.

Scrabbling blindly, Dean finally got his stiff fingers under the door handle and pushed it open, half over her lap on his hands and knees. He'd barely managed to get the door out of the way before he seized up with a retch that made his back arch with the force of it. He gripped the edge of the leather seat with his fingernails trying to keep his balance, Ruby still pinned behind his swaying bulk.

With a look of distaste, Ruby took hold of Dean's belt and ejected him forcefully through the open doorway. "Maybe you should use your own door?" She said sarcastically. "There's not all that much passing traffic, they'd probably swerve around you."

Dean fell forward onto the gravel and dirt on the side of the road, rose to his hands and knees for a moment, swaying, unable to keep his balance through the heaves. He finally landed on his side on his side in the dirt, still retching dramatically.

Ruby climbed out, stooping down next to his prone figure. There was no Sam here to see, no need to keep her sweet, soft human façade on view. She let Dean see her true demon face, then smiled sweetly. "Are you seeing things Dean?"

She could tell from the expression on his face that he didn't recognise her as Ruby. Her demon face looked back at her, reflected in the glossy paintwork of the Impala. It was hideous, misshapen, the eyes and slit of a mouth dark against the grey skin. In it he would see elements of the faces that had most terrified him in his life and during his time in hell. She would never see her true face as he did, but it was enough to know that it terrified him.

Dean's mute response was to kick out at her, still lying where he'd fallen.

She dodged. "Flashbacks. That can happen." Her voice was all sympathy. "Or maybe you're still in Hell? Maybe you never left?"

Her words sent a jolt of panic through him and he called frantically for help. "Sam! SAM!"

"He's not here, unfortunately."

"No no no." Dean whimpered, eyes locked ahead of him as he tried to get to his hands and knees. "Please!" His word broke as he vomited beer and stomach acid, his breathing bordering on hyperventilation.

Ruby wrinkled her nose in disgust. "What a disappointment you are. So weak." She pretended that she could see someone approaching. "Look! Here comes Alistair!"

The threat rocked through him and he scrambled back, eyes wide, looking about, clearly disoriented. Ruby had no intention of giving him the opportunity to get a hold of himself.

She bent down, snarled into his ear. "You're not as strong as Sam. No wonder you cracked."

His eyes were unfocused, his breathing caught on a whimper. She could feel the terror ebbing off him.

"Aww, you're crying." Ruby stroked his head gently, running her fingers through the sweat soaked spikes.

"Dad." Dean called, still caught in the nightmare of his flashback. "Dad!"

"No, he's not here either. You're quite a mess aren't you?" She bent over him, pushing her face close until the sour vomit smell of his panicked breath was warm on her cheek.

He curled in on himself, shuddering, clearly barely aware of her presence beside him. It was delicious. Dean Winchester caught in a waking PTSD nightmare. "Dad, help. Please."

Black eyes stared into his, a voice in his ears. "He's not coming. No-one is."

"Please stop." His gruff voice was ragged and he screwed his eyes shut, trembling.

"I actually feel sorry for you, a tiny bit." He looked so vulnerable with his pale face and the dark lashes all spiked with tears. "You're damaged."

The quiet of the roadside was broken by his harsh pants and a few cars careening by.

Ruby took hold of his upper arm in a vice-like grip. It was impossible to resist the chance to get back at him for all the problems he'd caused. "Let me help you up, the rack is right here."

"No!" He fought her with a surge of adrenaline. He was strong when he was panicked. Nowhere near demon strength, but he was a big man.

His wrists were held in a vicious grip. He kept up his futile jerking fight to escape. No method to it, no training, just pure animal terror.

"Oh dear." Ruby was laughing now. "What's the matter, Dean? Are you scared? I won't hurt you too much."

"Let go of me!" He cried. "Leave me alone! Sam!"

"Sam doesn't care." The words were accompanied by a stinging blow across his sweating face.

Dean fell back with the ringing slap, disoriented.

"Sam is with me now!" She poked his ribs with the pointed toe of her boot, then pulled a pair of handcuffs from her pocket and snapped them in place. "I bet you missed these?"

"No!" He arched his back and tried to get his feet under him.

Ruby's face lit up. "Mind you don't piss yourself. Alistair will be angry. You know what he's like. What will he do to you?"

"No. No. No. No." His litany broke on a sob. "Please."

"Boiling oil? Hooks? Eyes cut out?"

"Daddy!" The yell that tore from his throat belonged to a frightened child. It was a plea for solace.

"Sorry, He's not here either." This was a demon's dream. Hunter all shaking before her, curled at her feet, his back against the car. "Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas."

"No, not here. I angel warded us."

Dean curled into a little ball, hands cuffed in front of him, his knees drawn up to his chest. He looked like a boy really. A beautiful broken Ken doll of a boy.

"You look so cute like that." Ruby pulled back and punched Dean in the mouth.

The tears kept wetting the planes of his high cheekbones. He didn't seem to be certain of where he was at all.

"Whatever will people think? You're so weak, not like a hunter at all."

"Huh?" He asked, lower lip quivering. His expression seemed a little more lucid suddenly, as if he were trying to pull himself back to the present. The word 'hunter' somehow cutting through the fog of fear.

Ruby sighed. "This is very entertaining, but it's not getting us to Sam. Remember him?"

He met her eyes, actually met her eyes, some 'Deanness' finally starting to return to his gaze.

Ruby lashed his feet together with her belt. She smiled at him kindly. "Tell you what. I'll drive."

He blinked and let her do it, still really out of it, but starting to react to stimuli. "Ruby?" He asked perplexed.

"You lie still and stop calling me names. It's a good thing you're useful, or I'd leave you here for the first passing pervert." She figured someone would throw him in the back of a van within the hour.

"What. Where are we?" He asked weakly. His strength failing from the adrenaline let down.

"You had a flashback." Ruby's voice was sweet, concerned. "You'll be fine soon, as fine as you'll ever be."

She considered the situation for a moment, then took hold of one arm and leg and hoisted him into the passenger seat. Demon strength came in handy. "In front I think," she murmured. "So I can keep an eye on you."

His bulk flopped into the seat and his eyes went wide as he realized he was tied. "What the fuck, Ruby?!"

"You were acting demented! I can't risk injury, besides Sam likes this meatsuit."

He began to struggle. "Let me go!"

Ruby's eyebrows were raised in what appeared to be genuine surprise. "You can't remember, can you?"

"Touch my baby and I'll gank you!"

"Right." Ruby started the engine and pulled onto the highway.

"Bitch!" He snapped, thoroughly pissed.

"Poor you. You look so upset. Do you vomit on yourself often? It's all on your seat now."

Dean was grimacing and struggling against his bonds when her words began to sink in. "Huh?" He shifted, looked down, realized the front of his shirt and his pants were soaked with stale watery vomit.

"It must be tough, when you want to look cool." She looked at him, all big, dark eyes.

His pale complexion gave away the flush that crept into his cheeks. He went quiet.

"What will Sam think? I figure he'll probably just think you're drunk huh?"

He dropped his gaze.

"Never mind. Be nice and I won't tell him." She smiled; a teasing, annoying smile.

Dean's voice was flat. "Sam won't care."

"Why not?"

"He's my brother. It's Sam. He'll do the sympathy shit."

"Doesn't that mean he does care?" Ruby looked a little bewildered, trying to get her head around the apparently contradictory statement.

Dean raised an eyebrow. "You don't know him at all. He cares about everyone."

It wasn't worth pursuing. She shut him down. "I know him pretty well. Are you in control of yourself now?"

"Yeah." He grunted, the controlled tightness around the corners of his eyes back again. He shifted a little, uncomfortable with being wet.

Ruby was observing him with a calculating smile. "You don't remember what just happened at all, do you?" Maybe he'd be more useful than she'd expected.

"A little." Dean replied. "Not much. I kinda blacked out. Haven't done that before."

Ruby braked the Impala to a halt on the verge. "Show me your wrists."

Dean's expression turned apprehensive. "Why?"

A small hand dangled the handcuff keys in front of his nose. She smirked, preparing to undo the cuffs. "Now keep your hands to yourself. I like this meatsuit too."

He held out his wrists with a resigned sigh. "What happened? What did I do?"

Ruby sighed, tilting her head to gaze up into his face. "You had a flashback. I had to cuff you before you hurt yourself, or me. You thought I was Alistair." The lie slipped easily off her demon tongue.

He snorted, rolled his neck. "Well, easy to confuse you two."

"Oh be nice." The handcuffs fell away. Ruby dropped the keys back into her pocket and nodded at the belt around his ankles. "Do your own legs."

She hit the gas and the Impala swerved back onto the highway.

Dean furrowed his brow. Thought for a moment. "I remember having to throw up and you throwing me out of the car. Thanks for that." He grunted as he started to untie his legs. The belt buckle rattled as he pulled the leather loose.

An eyebrow lifted. "You'd rather throw up in the car?"

"I was aiming out the door." He said accusingly. "You didn't have to toss me. Can we pull over. I need to change."

"My bad." The laugh in Ruby's voice as she pulled over again made it clear she didn't care too much.

"Thanks." He said begrudgingly.

"I didn't come here to fight you, Dean."

"I need the keys. Shit's in the trunk."

Ruby pursed her lips, sure there had to be a catch somewhere in the simple request. Eventually she climbed out of the Impala and handed over one key, making sure to stay well clear of the trunk and the Devil's Trap painted inside the lid.

"One key?" Dean asked. "I get one key?"

"How many do you need?"

"All of em." He snapped. "It's my car."

Ruby eyed it with distaste. "Thankfully."

He opened the trunk and looked inside.

"Just change your pants." There was a note of warning in her voice.

Dean grabbed his duffle wordlessly. He poked his head inside, rummaging through. His hand seized on some holy water. He stilled, contemplating, left it.

"Bad thoughts Dean!"

His fingers finally settled on a pair of jeans, briefs, and a t-shirt. "What thoughts?" He asked, slamming the trunk down.

"Whatever was in that bag. Your face is an open book. Must be awkward in your profession."

Dean glanced around, opened the passenger side car door to shield himself from passing traffic and toed off his boots.

In a rare display of empathy, not entirely genuine, Ruby looked away. It had been fun, but now she needed him to think she was on his side.

She spoke quietly. "I'm not your enemy, you know." She reinforced that idea by throwing him some wipes from the glovebox.

Dean caught them deftly, even as he peeled his shirt over his head and changed into a new one. "Yeah sure you aren't..."he mumbled, then in an undertone at the wipes. "Thanks."

Dean efficiently pulled off his jeans and boxer briefs and wiped himself off, then redressed as quickly as he could. To his surprise he noticed Ruby was wiping down the passenger seat.

"You okay to drive?" She frowned at him, trying to assess his mental state. They really needed to get back on the road and reach Sam before Lilith did.

"You don't have to do that. I'll take care of it."

"It's done. I'm not sitting on your vomit."

"It's my mess." He shouldered her over, resolutely cleaning the vomit residue, head bent, still a little chastened. "So glad these are leather and not the cloth crap everyone has."

Behind his back, Ruby hid a smirk. He really was so gullible. She wandered along the side of the Impala. "You've dented your car."

Dean crumpled the wipes up and tossed them in the bushes. He looked at the damage. Winced a little. "I can repair it."

Ruby hovered impatiently. "We need to go. Sam's close. And Lilith."

Dean slid behind the wheel. "You coming?"

Ruby slid into the fresh fragrance of the clean seat. She'd been in a strong position before the flashback. Now she could use Dean to get what she wanted and really have some fun.

.

 _Thank you all for reading. Poor Dean!_

 _Special thanks to our reviewers: iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, Hare in the Moonlight, Ruby, Shazza85, mckydstarlight, Duxe, fevres, GypsyPriestess and Guest!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Four**

.

Dean drove on silently, brow furrowed, lost in his own dark thoughts.

Ruby kept quiet, waiting for him to speak first. The question, when it came, was a surprise.

"Do you remember what it was like to be tortured when you were still human?" He asked quietly.

"When I was human... you mean like, dead?"

"Like that shit doesn't even bother you now, does it?" He gave her a sideways glance and plucked at the knee of his pants absently with one hand, the other still on Baby's wheel, guiding her gently.

Ruby's voice was a little unsure. "It's not something you forget."

"In Hell... I mean you weren't a demon to begin with, right?"

"Of course I wasn't. No-one is."

Dean thought back on his experience and snorted. "Hard to imagine some of those freaks as human."

"If you'd been down there a bit longer, you'd be a demon too."

He didn't answer, but his shoulders tightened defensively under the leather jacket.

"You nearly were." She pointed out.

"Not that nearly."

"Really?" Ruby looked incredulous. "You were torturing souls. That's pretty damn close."

Dean didn't respond, green eyes trained on the road.

"But hey you got out. Lucky you."

"Yeah," he said flatly, "lucky."

She raised an eyebrow with a surprised huff of laughter. "That's not lucky?"

"Well. This life ain't so good. But lucky to be out, yeah. I guess."

Ruby glanced at him with irritation. "Some of us had to wait a while longer to get out."

"Yeah." He glanced sideways at her, his expression unreadable. "I know." There was a very long silence and then in an undertone. "My dad never broke, you know."

"I know." This was unexpected, this sudden openness; it wasn't something she'd ever seen from Dean Winchester, closed off, guarded, mistrustful Dean Winchester. "That bothers you. I can see that." She looked directly at him, her dark eyes honest. "Most people break you know."

"Doesn't bother me." He adjusted the grip on the steering wheel. "Proud of him. My dad was a hero."

Ruby kept her thoughts to herself, smiling in a neutral manner.

Dean caught the look. "He was. Wish I were more like him."

"We are what we are." It was said in a matter of fact tone, maybe even a little resigned.

"Yeah." Dean agreed reluctantly.

It was time to focus on the reason she'd come to Dean in the first place. "Sam needs stopping. He's powerful, but he can't take Lilith yet."

Dean nodded tightly. "We'll stop him."

Ruby noticed that he'd just referred to their temporary partnership as 'we'. It was a step in the right direction.

"Sam's stubborn." Dean continued. "I'm the reasonable one." His perfect lips lifted into a cocky smirk and his eyes took on a wistful look. "Once that kid sets his mind to somethin." He shook his head.

Ruby nodded, waiting to see where this was leading.

"If I ask you nicely to back off him, will you?"

"Back off from stopping Sam?" A puzzled frown creased Ruby's brow.

"No." His tone grew firm. "After this is over. Cool the affair."

"I don't think I can do that. Because it's his call." Her voice was determined.

"He's thinking with his dick." Dean paused. "Never thought I'd say that about Sam."

"Only partly." A little honesty never went amiss. "He wants the power to pull evil out." Ruby's tone was persuasive. "I don't know why that's a bad thing to you."

"Only partly." Dean snorted. "Well that partly is getting him in trouble."

"Dean." She sounded exasperated. "He was already in trouble."

"Really? Cause Sam's always been on the straight and narrow."

"When you died, he fell right off any straight and narrow."

His face grew tight, obviously not liking what he was hearing. "Bullshit."

"He wouldn't be here if I hadn't been there to catch him." That at least was true. "It's not bullshit. He fell apart."

"Fell apart? Can't see the kid fallin' apart too easy. If you hadn't been here he'd have gone to Bobby."

"That's not true. He could still have gone. And why wouldn't he fall apart? You did. You went and sold your soul."

Dean shrugged. "I guess maybe I fall apart easier than Sam."

There was genuine surprise in Ruby's question. "You actually thought he'd be okay, didn't you?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. Why wouldn't he?"

She crossed her arms, settling back further against the seat. "Maybe you don't know him that well after all."

"I know he doesn't need my ass gumming up the works."

"Well, you know…" Ruby stretched luxuriously. "…if I thought you had no influence, I wouldn't have come for you."

"I have influence."

She was very calm, relaxed. "I know you don't believe me, but I actually do care what happens to your brother."

"Yeah. Sure you do. You're just one big bleeding heart." He paused, his posture telegraphing his discomfort with the way the conversation seemed to be turning. "How far out are we?"

"A couple more miles." She sounded disappointed. "I bet that sarcasm earned you extra points in Hell. Doesn't hurt to be nice occasionally."

"I'm not dumb you know. I know you have an endgame and Sam is a pawn."

"You don't know everything." Her voice quiet.

Dean shook his head with a rueful twitch of his lip. "Bitch, I gotta hand it to you. You are good."

Ruby turned, staring at his profile. "Why?" Her big brown eyes were luminous, the full lips soft.

He snorted. "That's why."

She shrugged. "If it makes it easier for you, think that."

Dean didn't reply. His jaw stayed tight.

Ruby straightened suddenly, tilting her chin up almost as though she was picking up some scent out of the air. "It's up here I think."

"Thank God." He swung the car into a ramshackle parking lot, replete with cracked blacktop and weeds.

"Don't swear." She frowned at him briefly and looked away. She was equally tense, her whole being alert for Lilith's presence.

Baby rattled to a halt. "Now what?"

"He's here. I can feel him." Ruby sounded positive.

"Okay...so we got a Sammy dog whistle or something?"

Her eyebrow snaked upwards. Sometimes this Winchester was really dumb. "Try calling perhaps?"

Dean gave her a bitch face worthy of his brother and called Sam on his cell.

After a few rings, Sam answered.

Dean lit in to him immediately. "Why aren't you picking up the damn phone?"

"Dean?" Sam sounded surprised, distracted, even a little irritated. "Why are you calling me?"

"Why aren't you answering your phone?"

There was definite irritation in Sam's tone now, a sort of answering response to Dean's anger. "Well obviously I have. We're talking."

"I'm here with Ruby. Get the fuck outta whatever you're doing and get out here. And cut the smart ass responses."

"Here?" Sam was paying more attention now. This was very bad timing.

"Here." Dean replied. "Yes. Right in the parking lot of weeds."

"Why are you here?" A brief pause. "What have you done to Ruby?" The words were sharp with accusation.

Dean's ire lit further at the worry for the demon. "Get out here before I find you and kick your ass!"

"I'm not a small child, Dean!" The tone was so petulant that Dean could almost see the bitch-face.

"Then stop acting like one... I will break your damn nose. And your legs. Get out here."

"No. You need to leave. I'm expecting someone."

Dean looked at Ruby silently, his annoyance written on every feature of his handsome face.

Ruby snatched the cell phone out of his grasp and put it on speaker. "Sam. You don't have enough power yet. You can't take Lilith alone. So get out here!"

Sam was angry; he didn't need this distraction right now. "Ruby?" This was his chance to finish Lilith once and for all, put a moratorium on the seals breaking, put everything right again. He couldn't let it slip. Not now. Not with so much on the line. "No. You need to go!"

"Sam." Dean bit out. "I swear to god."

"I'm gonna finish this, Dean."

Ruby cut in before Dean could reply, adding her plea. "Sam, please."

Dean leaned forward, whispered into her ear. "Where is he? Keep him talking. Gonna find him."

Ruby played her ace. "If Lilith turns up, she'll kill Dean too. And me."

Dean turned and headed toward the abandoned building, using his instincts to hone in on where Sam was likely to be hiding for an ambush. He didn't have to go far.

Sam stalked into view, jaw tight, chest puffed out, his six foot four stature at full power. "What do you want!"

Dean was unimpressed. "Oh so you listen to her and not me. Nice Sam."

Sam was not in the mood for this; his every sense was focused on the forthcoming battle with Lilith. A distraction could be fatal. "Get over it Dean. Jealousy doesn't suit you."

"I'm not jealous, you Sonofabitch!"

Sam glared at them, finality in his tone. "I'm not going anywhere, for either of you."

Dean held his hand palm up. "Look if me and RUBY are agreeing on something, what does that tell you?"

Sam snorted. "That you're both crazy."

"Try again. It means you're crazy and we're trying to save your ass."

Ruby was twitching with nerves, her big eyes wide and frightened. "Sam, we need to go. I can feel Lillith is close."

"Get in the car."

The unlikely alliance suddenly sunk in. Sam laughed. "You and Ruby drove here… that must've been a barrel of laughs!"

"Yeah. It was great." Dean said dismissively. "Come on."

"No." Sam was not going to be budged on this one. He'd waited too long.

Ruby was almost beside herself with anxiety. She sensed extreme measures may become necessary. Perhaps Dean was about to become worth his weight in gold. She tried a last plea. "Sam. You can't do this yet."

Dean took advantage of the distraction to launch at his brother and try to get him in an armlock. Sam brushed him aside easily, the demon blood throbbing in his veins.

Ruby's voice was sharp. "Sam! Stop!" There was no time for a fight. She inserted herself between the brothers.

Dean tried to dive for Sam again, his anger overriding his judgment. Ruby blocked him, staying between him and Sam. She turned to face Dean fully, keeping her back to Sam so he that couldn't see her face. They were out of time. Lilith was almost upon them. They had to get out of there, right now.

Ruby caught his eye. "Dean!" She allowed her demon face to appear through the mask of humanity. If she could break Dean, if he showed vulnerability, she was as certain as the tide that Sam would crack and choose to save his brother over a battle with Lilith.

Dean took a step back, eyes shot wide at the glimpse into Ruby's true form.

She stepped forwards, crowding him a little, careful to keep her back to Sam.

Dean backed off another step and pushed at her. "Get outta my face Ruby!"

Ruby spoke, her words urgent. "Dean! We need to get Sam out of here!"

She leaned in close to his cheek, her breath sulfur and doom, hissing words at him quietly, mimicking Alistair's voice as accurately as she could.

Sam watched them, a little puzzled at his brother's retreat.

Dean lashed out at her closeness, pushing her again. "Get offa me!" His heart was suddenly hammering so quickly, his pulse was visible in his throat.

"Dean, it's okay." A sweet and reassuring voice came from the demon for the benefit of Sam's ears. Her eyes flashed black at Dean. Ruby's next words were for Dean's ears only. "He's here… going to melt your legs again."

Dean backed off further, almost tripping over his own feet. His boot tread scraping the pavement. His hand was trembling visibly as he held it up in front of his face.

"What's wrong Dean?" Impatience and the beginnings of concern warred on Sam's face. "It's just Ruby!"

Dean turned away, slammed his eyes shut and grabbed his head in pain.

Ruby's whisper was in his ears. "It's not really Sam. He's come to gut you again."

"Shut up!" The hunter snapped furiously.

"Can you feel that rack? Digging in…" She encroached on his space again, her voice too quiet for Sam's ears.

Dean shoved her away yet again. "Get offa me!"

"Those flames..." Ruby's whisper stroked the air between them.

A little whimper escaped the back of his throat.

Lilith was there, Ruby could feel her. In desperation she pushed her demon face at Dean again, hoping it would send him over the edge.

Sam was torn. He was sure Lilith was very close, but his brother seemed to be having some sort of episode; even Ruby was trying to help him.

Dean's breath accelerated into a weakly panting litany of "No. . please."

Ruby threw a comment to Sam over her shoulder. "I shouldn't have brought him here." She turned back to Dean. "Dean, let me help, what's wrong?"

Dean blundered toward the car, trying to escape the onslaught of memories and Alastair's voice whispering to him.

Ruby followed him, gripping at his arms. "Dean!" She looked back over her shoulder again. "Sam, what's wrong with him?"

Concern for his brother won over. Sam moved forwards, fighting against the urge to go back into the building. The fight with Lilith would have to wait.

Dean smacked into the hood, his hands slamming against the metal and went down as his legs started to buckle. He tried to shake Ruby's grip off himself, suddenly terrified. Suddenly somewhere else entirely. "No!" He spat tearfully, calling for who he'd always called for in hell. "Sam! Sammy!"

Ruby got in a last shot, hissing quietly. "It's fake Sam. Be careful. He's going to rip you up again and again."

Dean didn't look at her, changed his cries to "Dad! Daddy!"

So low it was barely a breath. "Daddy doesn't want you. You failed him."

Dean lay on the ground gulping for air like a landed fish. Cuddled in on himself.

Sam slammed to his knees alongside his brother, all thoughts of Lilith driven from his head. "Jesus, Dean! What's wrong?"

Dean pushed his brother back violently. "Don't hurt me!"

Ruby yanked open the Impala's door. "We have to get him away."

Sam nodded tightly, took a firm grip on his brother's arms and hauled him up onto his feet. Dean instinctively fought the intervention. "NO!" His deep voice was panicked. He made himself dead weight, legs unable to support his own bulk.

"What is wrong with you." Sam gave him a little shake for emphasis. "It's me."

"Sammy." Tears streamed down Dean's flushed cheeks, ran into the collar of his shirt.

"It's Sammy." Sam soothed.

"No. No." Dean whispered, not meeting his eyes.

Sam shook him roughly. "Come on, man."

Ruby fired up the engine. "Come on! Get in, you two!"

Dean tightened at the shake, his agitation increasing.

Sam shook him again. "Dean!" He turned to Ruby, upset, confused. "Was he like this before? What's the matter with him?"

Dean struggled against his little brother's grip, eyes unseeing.

Ruby craned her neck to look back at them. "A bit worse actually. I should have turned back."

Dean, still caught in the grips of his waking nightmare, tried to wrench away again. Sam grabbed his jaw firmly and met Dean's eyes. "Hey." He barked. "Calm down."

"No!" Dean began to struggle in earnest. Strong enough that Sam almost had to hurt him to restrain him.

"Sam! She's here!" Ruby yelled in panic.

Sam released Dean and turned to look; his brother buckled, unable to keep his feet.

"Dammit, Dean!" Sam reached out and caught him before he landed on his ass on the black top and shoved him into the car. He landed hard on his side with a whimper and curled in on himself. Sam slid in next to him, he'd barely shut the door before Ruby gunned the engine and peeled out.

Ruby's face showed her relief as she glanced in the rearview at them. "He still freaking out?"

Dean's panting had turned into hyperventilating.

Sam's adrenaline had nowhere to go. "Dean!" he shouted firmly. "Stop."

"Let me out!" Dean responded, trying to crawl over his brother and wrench open the door. He ended up partially across Sam's lap. "Let me go!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Sam shoved him back and pinned his arms at his sides. "Stop! Get a hold of yourself and stop!"

Dean's face crumpled into misery and Sam felt a swell of pity.

"Shit." He wrapped his arms around him, feeling Dean's tremors run under his arms. Sam rocked him a little, his brother's hitched sob against his shoulder.

"S'mmy." Dean's voice was ragged. "Sammy."

Ruby glanced back again. "He doesn't think it's you." Her voice was sad.

Sam raised an eyebrow in surprise and turned his attention to his brother. "Hey buddy. It's me. You're okay."

Dean chanted a litany of "no,no,no" trying to break free of Sam's embrace and escape his brother's lap.

Sam didn't let him, hugging him close, pulling him to his chest like his father did when they were young. "Shhhh."

"Don't let him do it, Sammy." Dean's hand fisted in his brother's jacket. "Help. Someone help!"

"Dean!" Sam exclaimed. "It's ME. You gotta snap out of it, man. It's me."

.

tbc

 ** _Thanks for reading and thank you especially to our reviewers._**

 ** _Love to hear from you! Those reviews keep us writing._**


	5. Chapter 5

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Five**

.

Dean started to gag, the spasms shaking his entire frame.

"He's not looking so good." Ruby pulled the Impala over on a wide stretch of dirt verge. She glanced around. "I think we're far enough away…"

Dean chose that moment to throw up a stream of yellow bile, partly on the interior of Baby's upholstery and partly on Sam's leg. Sam grimaced but didn't flinch away or let go of his brother.

Ruby passed back an old, grimy towel she'd found underneath the passenger seat. Sam nodded his thanks and took it, his voice firm but gentle. "Dean, calm down."

Dean went rigid, eyes shot wide, his expression reminiscent of when the hell hounds dragged him down. He pawed to get away, clearly unaware of Sam's presence but absolutely terrified. Sam held him, his jaw tight, clearly upset but containing his emotion in a particularly Sam type of way.

Ruby twisted around until she was kneeling on the driver's seat. Some remaining part of her that remembered being human was shocked at the trembling wreck wrapped in Sam's arms. They were safe from Lilith for the moment, but the drastic measures seemed to have pushed Dean completely over the edge.

"It's me Dean," Sam said over his brother's struggles. He took an elbow to the face and Ruby saw the bulge of his biceps as he tightened down on his writhing mass of older brother, who clearly thought he was fighting for his life.

Dean's eyes locked on Ruby and his face contorted in terror. He dry heaved again, twisting onto his stomach momentarily, finally bringing up a thread of more liquid. The force of the heave made him lose control of his bladder. It took Sam a moment to notice the widening stain across Dean's jeans. "Crap! Oh shit! Dean..." His voice broke and Dean seemed to calm down at the sound of it, his struggles against Sam's hold decreasing.

"Ruby, help me please." Sam begged through a half repressed sob, tears streaming.

Ruby opened the back door, being very careful to keep all signs of her demon face hidden beneath a mask of sorrow and sympathy. Even so, her approach triggered Dean off again. "Don't let her touch me! Stop!" He shifted frantically, struggling to get away from Sam like a panicked animal.

Ruby backed off, squatting on her heels beside the open door and peering at Sam with big brown eyes.

Sam's voice sank into something paternal and soothing, something Ruby wasn't certain she'd even heard from him before. "Ssshhhh," he squeezed Dean harder. "You're out."

Dean continued to fight in a blind panic like a rabbit in a snare, no methodology, all fear and adrenaline. "Lemme go! Please!" He burst into tears.

"Fuck." Sam choked. He held on, finally got Dean to stop struggling for a moment. He rocked him, pressing him against his chest with a soothing litany of "Ssshhhhh. You're _out._ You're safe."

Sam's anxiety and Dean's distress were making Ruby uncomfortable. Watching the brothers like this was stirring memories she'd hidden away several life-times ago. She pulled the old blanket out of back foot well and draped it over Dean's shoulders before retreating again out of his line of sight.

Dean finally stopped bucking and hugged Sam back, clinging to him like he might fall off the edge of the earth if he let go. "Sammy?"

"Yeah, Dean it's me. I'm here." The tone was patient, Sam still ignoring the vomit and piss wetting his clothes.

"Been calling for ya." Dean mumbled dazedly.

"I'm right here."

"Sammy, don't let them."

"Don't let who?"

"Can't do it anymore. Can't." Dean said between a sob, his fingers twined in Sam's jacket.

"There's only me and Ruby here. No-one is gonna hurt you."

"My guts...my legs..." Dean whimpered, slowly regaining his composure.

Sam tightened his hold on Dean, settled on his lap like an overgrown child.

Ruby approached slowly, handing over some napkins and a bottle of water. She spoke soothingly.

"Dean. We got Sam away from Lilith. Just concentrate on that."

Dean ignored her and mumbled "S'mmy… hurts."

"You're okay." Sam assured.

"No." He shook his head, still clinging insecurely. "Don't leave me."

"I'll look after you." Sam said, realizing how mortified his brother was going to be when he'd come back to his senses.

There was an odd expression on Ruby's face as she watched the brothers. An onlooker may even have thought it was envy.

Dean lay shivering and pushed his head into Sam's shoulder for warmth.

Ruby tweaked the blanket, settling it more securely around Dean's shoulders.

Sam held him. "Ruby? Has he got any other clothes."

"I can't go in the trunk. Demon warding, remember?" She handed Sam the hipflask of whiskey instead.

Suddenly Dean's trembling seemed to lessen. He lifted his head up. "Sam?" His voice was low and soft.

"I'm here."

Dean blinked and for the first time, Sam and Ruby could see elements of DEAN returning. "What's...?"

"I'm here. You're okay."

Dean's brow furrowed in confusion and he unclenched his first from Sam's jacket.

"Just relax." Sam soothed.

Dean looked dazed. "Are you okay?" He asked, clearly trying to orient himself. "What happened?"

"I'm fine. You're fine." Sam laughed. "Well, you stopped me facing Lilith."

Unnoticed, Ruby began to wipe down the interior of the Impala. She was uncharacteristically quiet.

Dean pushed away, the blanket falling to the floor with a whisper of fabric. He cast around, looking completely disoriented and crunching himself into the cramped back seat. He almost banged his head on the roof as he adjusted. Puke had soaked the front of his shirt and piss had wet the leg of his pants. His face was smeared with tears. His breathing still accelerated.

Sam couldn't hide the flush of embarrassment he felt for him. He looked away, trying not to let the sorrow show on his face.

Dean sat on the seat next to him and leaned forward, elbows on his own knees for a moment to catch his breath.

Ruby surprised him when she appeared in the open doorway, intending to shield Dean from the stares of passersby.

"What's going on?" The older Winchester asked, still confused.

"We saved Sam. We got him away from Lilith."

Dean's brow furrowed in suspicion and she could see hints of memory wash over him.

"That's all that matters." Ruby wouldn't meet his eyes, holding out the pack of wipes.

He didn't take them from her. "What did you do to me?"

There was sorrow in the demon's voice. "I didn't do anything. It was all in your own mind. I'm really sorry. I _had_ to get us all out of there."

"You did this on purpose! You bitch!" Dean struggled out of the car and rounded on her. "You can't trust her, Sam!" He snarled.

Sam's expression was shocked as he tried to diffuse the sudden anger. "Dean! She's been looking out for you!"

"No she hasn't! She's been playing you and ME."

Seeing Dean swing from such helplessness to fury startled both of them. Ruby jumped in.

"Yes I did play you. Because Lilith was right _there_."

"And you did it earlier today..." Dean looked at her squarely in the eye, addressing his words to Sam. "She's trying to get me to flashback."

Ruby stared at him, brown eyes meeting green. "Nothing else would've gotten Sam out. That _is_ what you wanted, right?"

"To flash back and think I was dyin? No! That's not what I wanted."

Ruby bit her lip. "No. I know you didn't want that." She looked at Sam. "You would do anything for Sam though."

Sam's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What are you two even talking about? You came to stop me, but you had this planned?"

"You're with a fucking manipulative whore, Sam! Hope you're happy."

"I know what flashbacks feel like. I've been there remember." Ruby countered defensively.

"Yeah whatever, bitch."

There was no profit in remaining here any longer. Ultimately, Ruby needed Sam to take out Lilith and this emotive talk could ruin her end game. She pulled Sam aside.

"Sam." Her voice was low but sharp, cutting through all the emotions. "Lilith is tracking us. I can sense her. You have to get yourself away from Dean _now_ or she'll find you and him." She infused her tone with urgency. In reality she had no reason to believe Lilith was approaching, but like all demons, lying was second nature. She reasoned that if Sam stayed now, helped his brother, the rift between them would be at least partly repaired. She couldn't allow that to happen.

Ruby leaned in closer. "Lilith can sense you're here, Sam. You're a danger to your brother right now."

"Ruby! I _can't_ leave him." Sam looked at her in disbelief. How could she even think he would leave Dean alone in this state?

"He's gotten himself together. You're a danger to him right now. She'll kill him, or scare him so much he'll never get over it!"

Sam yanked his arm away from Ruby. He felt ready to explode; the adrenaline of being ready to face Lilith was still hammering around his system. Dean's complete melt down had been a shock beyond belief; he'd never seen his brother that scared, that vulnerable. And now Ruby, telling him he had to walk off.

Sam tore at his hair, not realising what he was doing. If he left Dean, his brother would never understand. But if he stayed and Lilith came… Dean would never survive. Better he didn't understand.

"What are you whispering about, bitch?" Dean snarled from his spot behind the open car door.

Sam's threw his arms up in frustration. Ruby couldn't have been more kind if she'd tried, but Dean still had to throw a bitch fit. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with both of you?"

Dean didn't answer but peeled off his t shirt and tossed it to the side of the road. "Sam, throw me a shirt." There was no reply. "Now, Sam." Dean tried to put authority into his voice.

It didn't go over well. Sam set his shoulders stubbornly.

"Sam! Goddammit."

Ruby leaned back against a tree, watching it play out.

"Get back here. Toss me a shirt!"

Sam chucked him a t-shirt. Dean caught it, his embarrassment turning to anger.

"What is your problem?"

"I don't have one, Dean." Sam said in a tone that clearly meant that he did have a problem.

"Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?" Dean pulled the shirt over his head. "I need pants too."

"I'm not the one acting out," Sam replied, throwing him a pair of jeans a little more forcefully then necessary.

"Acting out how? What is going on with you?"

Sam made up his mind. There was only one way this could play out today. Dean would be hurt, but better hurt than dead.

"I'm strong now Dean. I don't need all your mother-henning. You've got to let me make my own way." That at least was true. He was going to tackle Lilith, if not today then another day; nothing Dean said or did would stop him. Right now though, he needed to leave and he had to say or do something that would ensure Dean didn't follow.

"You think I manipulated you?" Dean's voice deepened to a shout. "That I worked with fucking _Ruby_ for this shit or something?"

Sam's voice turned icy. "So you didn't come to stop me?"

"Of course I did. But not like this!"

"Like how? By threatening to break my nose and legs! Very mature, Dean!"

"You think I wanted to flashback and I don't know...piss my pants in front of you? ON you? Break your legs! Just empty threats. You know I don't mean anythin' by them!"

Sam saw his opportunity and delivered the coup de grace. "Dean, you sold your soul to get your own way. Who in hell knows what you'll do."

"What?" Dean's voice and face were utterly stunned.

The next words hurt Sam almost as much as they were hurting his brother. He forced his face into a sneer. "Ruby and you... one and the same. Manipulative. At least she's a good lay."

The blood drained out of Dean's face. His mouth opened and shut again.

Sam held onto the strength of the demon blood inside him; it was all he had left. Without it he would have fallen to his knees in the road. He made his voice emotionless. "Go home Dean."

"I..." Dean choked, blinked. He sounded winded. "Thanks Sam. Thanks a lot."

Sam turned on his heel, hiding the tears in his eyes from his brother. He walked off, slamming his boots into the blacktop. He couldn't look back. If he saw Dean's face now his resolve would crumble.

Dean's voice followed him. "I'm sorry my flashback inconvenienced you."

Sam grated his teeth, kept going; he didn't turn as he responded. "I'm sorry my getting a life inconvenienced you, Dean."

" _Job done_ ," thought Ruby. Sam saved, the brothers at odds, it was time to retreat and fight again another day.

Dean's fury and bitterness echoed down the road. "I'll piss my pants on your schedule next time, okay?! Cause that was fun! Really fuckin' fun! You sonofabitch!"

He stared after Sam in disbelief and then swung around. He was going to kill that demon bitch. There was a space in the air next to the tree where Ruby had been leaning. She was gone.

Behind him Sam put on his friendliest, most dimpled grin, his thumb in the air as a car full of young college girls approached. Dean turned towards the sound of their laughter as they squeezed his brother's long legs into the back seat.

The car shot past him, music blasting. Dean dragged his arm over his eyes, too shocked and upset to understand what had happened.

After a while he finished wiping down Baby's interior. It was a long time before he felt well enough to drive off.

.

 ** _Thank you all for reading! Special thanks to our reviewers:_** iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, Hare in the Moonlight, Ruby, Shazza85, mckydstarlight, Duxe, fevres, GypsyPriestess, Badwolf40, DearHart and Guest!


	6. Chapter 6

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Six**

.

Sam squared his shoulders, pushing his trepidation under a veneer and cautiously wrapped on the motel room door. "Dean?"

Dean tensed as he recognised his brother's voice through the door. He considered just ignoring it, although it wasn't likely that Sam would think he was out, given that the TV was on and the Impala was parked outside.

Sam's jaw tightened at the lack of answer. "Dean, open the door before I kick it in."

Irritated and resentful at the demanding tone, Dean yanked the door open, his features drawn into a scowl. "What the hell do you want!"

"You're not answering your phone. Or texts. You've been MIA for a week now." Sam said pissily.

Dean raised an eyebrow, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "And...?"

"And?" He felt the anger rise in him a little. Knew Dean was baiting him but couldn't help falling into the trap. "And I was worried about you, man."

"Yeah." Dean snorted in disbelief. "Well I'm fine. So you can go back to your girlfriend now."

"She's not really my girlfriend, Dean."

"My bad. The skank bitch you're whoring with."

Sam snorted in amusement. "That's better."

"Better? There's nothin' good here Sammy."

"Yeah, no shit." Sam walked in and closed the door.

Dean hissed in annoyance. "What are you doing?"

"Ummm...walking in and grabbing a beer?" Sam headed for the cooler.

"What! You want a beer now? What makes you think you're wanted here?" Dean looked at him with disbelief. "What is this, huh? Some nice friendly little talk to make Sammy feel better?"

Sam shot him a bitch face.

Dean's heart was thumping with anger and embarrassment. "Last I saw, you were getting in a car and leavin' me in the middle of the road. The time for talkin' is over."

The expression changed to one of guilt. "Dean..."

It felt as though the taller man was looming over him. Dean pushed him away, using his palm against Sam's chest.

"Leave me alone!"

"That. The other night...That wasn't me, man." Sam said as he fell back a step.

"Yeah Sammy. I'm sure it was you... the new, improved, amped up Sam."

"No." He took a breath, trying not to meet the anger with defensiveness. "I reacted..." he stopped lost for words. "I'm really sorry."

Dean's voice was flat. "Oh. That makes it all okay then." He threw the door open. "So you can go now."

Sam sat on the bed.

Dean sighed heavily. He leaned back against the door frame, crossing his arms defensively over his chest.

"I..." Sam tilted his chin up. "I know there's no excuse. I'm sorry. I really am."

"Sorry for what? For getting it on with a demon while I was in hell? Sorry for snacking on her blood! Sorry for dumpin' my ass and going off to face Lilith by yourself?"

The deceptive mildness of Dean's voice was offset by the violence with which he slammed the door.

Sam looked away, looked back, steel faced. "No. I'm sorry I walked away from you when you had an... attack."

A flush of embarrassment crept up Dean's neck and onto his cheeks.

"That was...wrong. I was WRONG, Dean."

His brother dropped his chin, voice hoarse. "You shouldn't have seen that. Goddamnit! If it wasn't for your girlfriend, you wouldn't have seen that."

"No." Sam replied, his brows drawn into a worried arch. "I should have seen that. I had NO clue it was that bad. You've been hiding it from me for how long now? Really, Dean?"

"It's nothin'. I can handle it." Dean's eyes shifted, unable to meet Sam's gaze.

"Oh yeah. You handled it really well."

Fury made sharp blades of the words. "D'ya think I wanted you to see that! My little brother! I can handle it. If that bitch of a demon hadn't kept pushing her ugly demon face at me…" Dean's mouth twisted with stress.

"I know." Sam responded, raising his hands in surrender. "I know Ruby triggered you off somehow. I...I get that."

"She'd better stay clear of me. Next time I see her, I'm gonna gank her ass!"

"I won't let you. We need her."

In different circumstances, the shock on his brother's face would have been comical. "You won't let me! You NEED HER!"

"No, we do. We do. She's tactically advantageous. We need to stop Lilith from breaking the seals. She's our best bet."

"No, we don't. And don't think those friggin fancy words are gonna win me over. Ruby is NOT on our side!"

"Yes we do!" Sam's voice rose passionately. "I'm not letting the apocalypse happen! Seals are breaking every fucking day. And we're sitting on our thumbs and watching."

"Well I'm sure as hell not sitting on my thumbs. Not sure what you're sitting on. I don't trust her. She's working to her own fucking agenda."

"So what?" Sam swept an arm demonstratively. "Maybe she is but maybe her agenda happens to line up with ours. You ever think of that?"

"You know what Sam, I don't care. She's gonna double cross us." Dean spoke forcefully, unable to believe that Sam couldn't see the sense in his words. "She's a DEMON Sam!"

"I KNOW that."

Dean gestured with his hand, disgust in the movement. "You're so friggin addicted you don't even know what you're saying."

Sam's face crumpled. "See?" He asked, losing the war with his temper. "THAT. That's what you fucking do!"

"You're not addicted now!" An expressive eyebrow rose. "Let's see Sammy go cold turkey for a few days then shall we?"

Sam huffed derisively. "Bring it back to that. These powers have done nothing but good. NOTHING. I'm in control of them."

His brother's expression was cold. "Yeah, right."

"Let's see you go cold turkey off drinking for a few days?" Sam shot back. "Huh. You'd do real well with that Dean."

"Those POWERS. What do you think you are, Superman!"

"I've seen you get the shakes if you don't drink by noon."

Dean snorted bitterly. "Must've been a real disappointment to you when I came back from hell huh? Got in the way of your nice little set up."

"No. No. I think I'm using something bad-" Dean's words stopped him fucking dead once he registered them. "WHAT?!" He asked in horrified surprise. "What did you just say to me?"

"You've made it plenty clear Sam. You don't need me." Hurt shone in Dean's eyes beneath the mask of anger.

Sam lost his breath. "You're..." He ran his hand over his face, blinking back tears.

"Oh here we go. Bring on the puppy face. Not gonna work Sam."

"I...fucking..." His face scrunched and he stood up, rounding on Dean with with a wrath that would have frightened anyone else. "You fucking asshole! How dare you say that to me?"

Dean smirked. "Now that's more like it."

"You really think I'd..."

"Gonna do some demon mojo on me, Sammy?" Dean took a step forwards, pushing into Sam's space a little.

Sam stood speechless, heart pounding, quite literally on the verge of tears.

"No? Not today? No RUBY to back you up."

Sam closed his ears and turned his back to his brother to gather himself.

Sarcasm laced Dean's tone. "That's it, Sammy. Walk away. Hey, the door is over here."

Sam didn't respond and then in a small broken voice, he asked. "You think I'd want you in Hell?"

Dean stared at him, the anger dissolving and turning into despair. "I have no fucking clue."

"My fucking life Dean...when you were down there..." Sam choked on a repressed sob. "I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah. I noticed. Guess Ruby took your mind off that." His brother's face hardened again.

"I couldn't think of anything else. I...she saved my life Dean. I'd have died, okay, plain and simple."

"No. No, you wouldn't." Dean shook his head, shifting edgily from one foot to another.

"Oh yes I would have." Sam punctuated each word. "Yes. I. Would. Have."

For a moment, Dean was utterly still, the muscles in his jaw working. "Shut up."

"And I know you don't like any of this but you left me alone."

"Shut the fuck up!" Dean stepped forwards again, closing the distance between them to mere inches. His distress was palpable.

Sam rounded on him with a furious snarl. "YOU shut up!"

Dean didn't seem to hear him. "Do you know what I kept asking for?" He took hold of Sam's shirt, shook him. "What I kept fucking praying for?"

Sam grabbed his wrists, his face tight.

Dean's voice deepened to a shout. "For you, for my brother! And when I get out, when I finally get out, what do I find! He's not lookin' for me, he's shacked up with a goddamn demon!" His breath hissed with distress. "I should've stayed there. Least I knew where I stood."

"Don't say that!"

Dean's voice broke. "Not like here, with you." His full bottom lip trembled. "I dunno what you are anymore!"

"I was looking for you!" Sam replied, bearing down on his grip. "I looked. I pleaded. I tried to sell my own soul!"

His brother struggled ineffectually, trying to free his wrists.

"You're an ass!"

Sam didn't ease up on his hold.

"What would be the point in that! Selling your soul. Let go of me goddamnit!"

"No! What would be the point of what?"

Dean lashed out with one booted foot, catching Sam on the shin. "Fucking get off me!"

Sam winced at the blow but didn't let go.

"Seem to remember I went to hell to SAVE you, Sammy!" Dean's breath panted, a rough, broken sound. "Nice you were so keen to throw that away!" He jerked again at Sam's restraining hands. "GET OFF!" He smashed his head forwards, headbutting Sam in the chin.

Sam's head rocked backward. "I couldn't Dean! I couldn't!" He stomped on Dean's foot and didn't let him go. "Knock it off!"

Dean's struggles became more urgent, panic blooming in his eyes. He attempted to knee Sam in the crotch, the difference in their height and his own distress making it ineffective.

"I couldn't live without you!" Sam twisted Dean sideways and off balance. "Stop it!"

"GET OFF ME!" Dean sank his teeth into Sam's wrist.

"Owww! Dean!" Sam finally let go of one hand, the shock momentarily winning out. He shook his arm out. "What the fuck man? Biting? Are we 4?"

Dean immediately clenched his free hand and punched Sam in the face, then twisted away, spitting violently. "Agghh… damn demon blood!"

Sam's head rocked backwards, with the blow, he lost balance and fell onto the carpet, dragging Dean by the wrist down on top of him. A gasp of air escaped him at the sudden weight.

Dean rolled away, breathing heavily.

Sam stubbornly kept hold of his wrist, panting.

"STOP!" Dean yanked at the grip, still trying to fully free himself.

"No!" Sam rolled on top of him, pinning him down, and using his full weight to his advantage. "Stop fighting me!"

Furious, Dean spat into his face, spittle flecking Sam's cheeks.

"Thanks, Dean."

His brother tried to headbutt him again.

Sam dodged the blow. "Stop fighting me. Just talk to me!"

Dean ground his teeth, far too angry to speak.

"I couldn't live without you!" Sam yelled, leaning into his brother's face. "I wanted to die! Don't you dare tell me I didn't want you back!"

His brother wriggled ferociously. "What the fuck is wrong with you! Get offa me! Not getting enough off your bitch?"

"No! I..." Sam struggled with vocalizing why he'd stubbornly grabbed hold and wouldn't let go. If he could just get Dean to listen. To trust him again. That was what was wrong. Dean didn't trust him anymore at all. Didn't even trust his little brother enough to put him in a wrist lock. "I need you to listen." He panted. "Just listen."

Dean glowered at him, still struggling to escape.

"Please." Sam begged, his face uncomfortably close to his brother's.

Dean pressed the back of his head into the carpet, trying to get further away as Sam's breath panted hot against his cheek, the brush of one of his bangs sweeping across Dean's forehead.

"I'm not here to hurt you. I've never wanted anything but to...to be your brother. I would have died if it wasn't for Ruby." Sam's voice was earnest. "I know you don't want to hear it."

Dean's eyes were wide, the green iris just a narrow ring. He growled, the rumble of his voice transmitting into Sam's chest. "Back off, Sam."

"Please." As if begging could bring back their connection.

Dean's voice was strained. "If you wanted to be my brother, you wouldn't be sneaking off to Ruby all the time…" Sam's breath was hot against his face, even in his nostrils. He was far, far too close.

"It shouldn't be a choice. You've always done this. I shouldn't have had to choose between you and Stanford."

"I didn't make you choose anything." Dean closed his eyes. "You wanted to go, you left."

"Yes you did!" Sam cried. "You did then and you're doing it now!"

"I didn't stop you going. I tried to stay in touch."

"I didn't want to go." He rejoined. "I wanted my brother to support me."

"How did I make you choose?" Dean's voice quavered, his jaw working.

"One text, one call. That's not staying in touch."

"I called. You didn't answer."

"Once. God. God dammit, Dean!"

"Lotsa times, Sam. You didn't answer my messages…" Dean's voice trailed off, his face pale and tight with distress.

"Dad shut off my damn phone. I didn't get them."

"So you couldn't get another one... didn't remember any of my numbers… Bullshit, you're meant to have a high IQ." Dean turned his face to the side, pressing his cheek against the grime of the carpet pile. He swallowed, hard. "Get off me."

"Look I'm not saying I'm blameless. But...But it shouldn't have been like that. And I shouldn't have to get rid of Ruby because you say so." He shoved his weight into him to make his point.

The grinding noise of Dean's teeth was audible. He breathed in short, hard bursts through his nose. "Ruby is no good. You should trust me, not her."

"I do trust you." Sam said. "Just not your judgment on this."

A shudder ran through Dean's frame, his jaw beginning to shake. "Get off. She's a DEMON what don't you get about that?"

Sam's tone grew soft. "You're scared of me," he said, then gently. "It's just me."

"You're not you any more, Sammy." Dean kept his eyes closed, eyelids screwed up.

Then hurt on Sam's face was unconcealed. "Yes I am."

His brother tried to push him off again, no strength in the movement. "I'm not friggin' scared."

"You are scared. You're shaking like a leaf."

A bead of sweat formed and slid down Dean's forehead, disappearing into the short cropped hair. "Not scared. You're crushing me."

"Am I gonna send you into a PTSD attack?" Sam lifted his weight incrementally. That was the last thing he wanted to do to him.

His brother's eyes opened. He glared at Sam. "Fuck you."

"I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me, man." Sam was almost surprised he'd managed to successfully pin Dean this whole time. "We wrestled all the time." This shouldn't have been a new and terrifying experience by any means.

Dean twisted sideways, trying to get from beneath the bulk of his brother.

"Calm down." Sam said.

"I am calm. Don't appreciate being body slammed by the Incredible Hulk." The color leaked away from Dean's face.

Sam went quiet, realization dawning. "They did this to you down there didn't they? Held you down and hurt you?"

"What! Where did that come from..." Dean struggled again, went limp. There was a hopeless note in his voice. "Get off..."

"I'm...so...sorry." Sam choked back a sob, released his brother and rolled off of him.

Dean sat up immediately, scooting away on his ass and rubbing at his wrist in a distracted manner.

Sam fell quiet, eyes focused far away. "You're never going to trust me."

"Damn straight. Not while you're drinking demon blood." Dean pushed himself shakily to his feet.

"No." He said. "Not before then. Not now. Not ever." Sam looked lost.

Dean hunted frantically through his bag, pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "What are you talking about?" He flopped onto his ass on the lumpy mattress, hand shaking as he unscrewed the bottle.

"You just." He huffed. "I'm just always...you've never trusted my judgment. My opinions. You've never trusted me to look after myself. You can't even trust me to keep you in a hold for a few minutes while we talk."

"I trusted you. How can you even say that? I came to fetch you from Stanford. Why would I do that?" Dean swigged whiskey straight from the bottle, the glass rim rattling against his teeth as a fair amount spilled down his clothes.

Sam looked up, very young looking suddenly in his vulnerability. "Because you didn't want to be alone."

"No I didn't." Dean stared at him, the bottle wavering in his grip. "So I went to get the only person I COULD trust."

Sam snorted "More like the only person you knew. I'm...I'm sorry in walked off the other week." His breath hitched with guilt.

Hurt slid onto Dean's face. "I know plenty of people."

"Yeah." Sam replied. "Like three."

Dean rubbed the bottle against his forehead, grimacing, took another swig. "Don't blame you for ditchin' my ass."

"I shouldn't have. I was...amped up for a fight and it was just a lot at once and then...I just couldn't DEAL with...that." Sam dropped his head in his hands, swallowing hard. He could still feel his brother in his lap… hear him crying, vomiting, pleading. He thought of Dean pissing himself. "Oh god. I was horrible. I was so wrong."

Dean's voice was tired. "Amped up, yeah. On DEMON blood, that's just what I've been saying. You don't need to deal with me, I can look out for myself."

"No. Amped up for a fight, Dean. You know how it is."

"No Sam, I don't. I don't drug myself before a fight."

"The adrenaline. It's gotta go somewhere." Sam responded.

"That wasn't adrenaline. That was demon mojo."

"Adrenaline. Not drugs. Good God. We're back to this."

Dean took another slug of whiskey, the bottle wavering in his shaking hand. "Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

The bottle slipped out of Dean's fingers, shattering on the floor. "Shit." His voice was dull.

"I'll get it." Sam finally got up off his ass.

"You're okay. I've got it." Dean dropped to his knees, trying to collect the broken glass with trembling fingers. A piece sliced into his hand without him noticing. "Crap." He poked ineffectually at the whiskey pooling on the greasy carpet.

Sam bent down to assist, took his brother's shoulders. "Hey. Leave it."

"I got it."

"Dean... Let me help."

Dean cut his hand again, blood running onto the wet carpet. The shaking in his jaw made his words stutter. "I need a drink."

Sam gave him a gentle push onto his ass. "Sit down."

Dean flopped down, a few shards of glass still in his hand. He stared at Sam, clenching his fist, not noticing the blood dripping through his fingers.

Sam folded his knees under him and sat down in front of Dean. He took Dean's hand gently.

"What?" Dean frowned at him, looking confused.

"I didn't say anything." Sam said, his eyes focused on the lines and callouses on the warm hand. He gently picked at the glass in Dean's palm.

"What are you doing? Leave it; it's okay… doesn't hurt."

Sam shifted back onto his heels. "I need tweezers."

Dean shrugged him off. "Leave it. I'll get it later. It's nothing." He bent forwards, starting to collect bits of glass again in a distracted way.

""Nothing" turns into a massive infection. You know that."

"Glass and whiskey here Sam... kinda sterile."

"Dean." Sam said softly. He net his brother's gaze, his expression hesitant. "Had...you ever been that... scared...with a flashback before?"

Dean shoved himself upright, giving up on the glass. He began to hunt for his hipflask, ignoring Sam's question and keeping his face turned away.

"That was hard to see you go through." Sam's eyes were on his back.

Dean froze. "Don't. Sam."

"Don't what?"

"Just... don't."

"I just didn't know it got that bad. It surprised me I guess."

Dean shrugged. "Hey, what can I say? Hell, not the greatest tour."

Sam's eyes grew soft, sympathetic, like his old self. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't..."

"I remember when dad used to get those bad nightmares."

That got his brother's interest. "You remember that? You were really little."

"Yeah. Yeah I do. They were scary."

There was regret on Dean's face. "I'm sorry. I tried to keep you away from that."

Sam huffed. "Kinda went through the whole house. Dad has a loud voice."

"Yeah." His brother sighed. "You shouldn't have heard that."

Sam's eyes grew unfocused, like he was callling up a stray memory. "There was this one time. I don't remember where you were. Maybe with Bobby or something?"

Dean said nothing, watching him with wide eyes.

"He...it was bad." The hazel blue stare fixed on a faraway point. "He woke me up with a shout. I thought he was being eaten or something."

"I shoulda been there." Dean chewed at his lip.

Sam ignored the self-recrimination. "It took him a while to calm down. I remember him walking back and forth crying. And he crept into bed with me and hugged me and he was just...shaking. Like really trembling. It was such a weird feeling."

"Yeah, they were bad sometimes." The skin was tight around Dean's eyes, his gaze distant.

"Yours made that look like a walk in the park."

Dean hissed, ducking his chin and avoiding Sam's attempt at eye contact. "I'm sorry. Sorry you had to see that." He was very pale, embarrassment highlighting his cheekbones a dark red.

"No. I'm sorry." Sam said passionately. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Alone. Because I left like an asshole."

Dean had his hand on his hipflask now, tried to undo it, his fingers slipping greasily on the blood.

"It was over then." He twisted at the hipflask, frustrated in his attempts to open it.

Sam gently took the flask from him and opened it, handed it back. "I'm gonna go get the first aid kit."

His brother stared at the flask, not seeming to realise it was now open.

Sam retrieved the first aid kit and settled in, ready to fall into the familiar role of doctor. "Give me your hand dude."

Dean ignored him, swigging at the flask until it was empty. He grimaced at the burn, blinked a little. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Sam poked at the skin with tweezers. "Keeping your hand from gangrene?"

"I'm not gonna get gangrene. Why are you here patching up my hand? I thought you were out doing demon things."

Sam's shoulders went tight...he ignored the jibe.

His brother watched him, eyes dull.

Sam cleared his throat, keeping his temper out of the exchange. "That's what brothers do. Patch you up."

"I forget y'know, sometimes..." Dean sighed shakily. "It's not gonna re-grow itself."

Sam leaned his head on Dean's forehead briefly, then went back to work.

His brother's voice was quiet. "Everything just kept comin' back... they'd cut it off and hell, it'd be back next day, or next week or whatever…"

The words made Sam stop to collect himself. He swallowed hard and his hand holding the tweezers shook a little.

"Things here... they don't hurt, not really." Dean took hold of Sam's hand, drove the tweezers right through his own palm. His eyes were empty as he looked up at Sam, emotionless. "See?"

"What the fuck!" Sam grabbed at them and pulled them out. "Dean!"

Dean flexed his hand, watching with interest as a thin spurt of blood sprayed onto his cuff.

Sam's composure was completely gone. "What the FUCK. What the fuck?!" The distress on his face painted plainly.

Dean watched his brother, only mildly interested in his animated gestures. He checked the hipflask, tipping it up over his open mouth; it was empty.

Unsure what else to do, Sam started to wrap the battered hand with gauze, silently crying, his face distorted with emotion.

Dean reached out and patted him clumsily on the head. "Better off without me, Sam. I'm a mess. Doesn't mean you should be with that skank Ruby though."

.

 _ **Poor boys. They're in the same room now, but as far apart as ever. Will they ever manage to patch this one up?**_

 _ **More soon.**_

 _ **Thank you for sticking with us. Many thanks to our reviewers:**_

 _ **Ruby, Hare in the moonlight, iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, mckydstarlight, Shazza85, Duxe, fevres, GypsyPriestess, Badwolf40, DearHart, narakunohime and Guest**_

… _**you make it all worth while!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Seven**

.

Dean stared at the dressing. He flexed his hand a few times with a slightly bewildered expression on his face, as though he was no longer quite sure why it was there.

"Better off without me," he repeated in a dull tone, pushing himself up from the bed with no thought for the open medical kit. A few items tipped over the edge and rolled away across the floor. He wandered off aimlessly towards the door.

"No. Dean." Sam ran and tackled him from behind in a desperate hug. "Dean." His voice was husky, the name repeated like a prayer.

The physical contact was completely unexpected. Dean went rigid with shock as his lungs emptied with a gasp. "Sam!"

Sam tightened his hold, leaned his head against the back of his brother's head. "Don't do this."

His brother let out a small, bitten-off groan.

"Please." Sam whispered, his voice raw. "You're hurting so badly. Tell me how to help. Let me help."

"Don't please...I'm okay!" The words came out in a rush as Dean's legs folded. He landed on his knees on the carpet, his hands making a lie of the words as they rose up until his shaking fingers gripped each side of his own head. He bent forwards, away from Sam. "Don't touch me, okay!"

Sam knelt behind him, his hand hovering, halting himself before he made contact.

"Just... stay where I can see you."

"Don't touch. Okay." Sam said, trying to calm himself. "Okay don't touch." His brows drew together, his voice soothing. "It's just me. It's me. It's Sam."

Dean's hands dropped, now braced against his thighs for support. He turned brimming eyes to his brother. "Is it?" The words seemed to be torn out of the depths of his chest. "…'cause sometimes it's not."

"No." Sam protested. "No, it's always me."

"No. It wasn't. It just looked like you."

Sam's face crumpled. "Dean."

A tear flooded the green iris, overflowed and darted down Dean's cheek. "And then you used to cut me... or worse…"

"What? No! Dean, I never cut you." Sam bent around to look him in the eyes. "Buddy."

His brother's jaw was tight. "Now you're all demon blooded..."

Sam finally caught Dean's gaze. "No. No. Dean..." he paused, battling a sudden upswing of anxiety. "Oh god, what did they do to you?"

There was naked hurt on Dean's face, the customary barriers completely absent. "Everythin' you can think of Sam. Then a whole lotta other things." Another tear escaped. "How can you let even a tiny drop of that blood into you. THEY WERE DEMONS!"

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"And YOU… you're trying to turn into one!"

"No. No, I'm not. I promise."

"You carry on like this, you will."

Sam reined back his urge to get defensive and touched his brother's cheek with the knuckles of his hand.

Dean's voice was desperate, frightened. "How long, Sammy? Before your eyes turn black on me? Before you get that knife out?"

"I'd NEVER do that to you." He replied heatedly.

"You already did."

"Dean, that blood..." Sam paused. "I've already had it in me. Since I was a baby."

"A drop, Sam. Not gallons of the stuff." Dean swallowed.

"And I never cut you! Why are you saying that?"

"Cut me, here, no. But you let Ruby do her thing."

"What did she do?" Sam asked in bafflement.

Dean rushed on. "I didn't see you stopping her!"

"I just saw her talking to you. She was trying to help?"

His brother sounded bitter. "You musta seen her fucking face, Sam. She kept pushing and pushing… first in Baby, 'til I crashed…" Dean's voice dried up, his jaw working.

"What face?" There was a wall of misunderstanding rising between the two made of Dean's accusations and Sam's inability to understand what he was trying to articulate. "No. I saw her trying to talk to you."

"Next thing I'm tied up… then later, she kept pushing her face at me." Dean's face twisted, his rate of respiration increasing as he fought to keep calm. "She knew it'd make me flip. Knew it was the nly thing that'd get you outta there. She used me!"

Sam almost reached for his brother's arm, stopped. "You weren't in on it with her? To get me out?"

"IN ON IT! I came up there to get you away from Lilith, so you didn't get killed! I didn't want to have some fucking mental trip to HELL!"

"Okay." Sam nodded.

"Twice!"

"Dean calm down." Sam softened his voice. "Come back, okay?"

"I was tryin' to look out for you! I didn't want to feel that again, Sam… see that again! I can't keep goin' through that!" The desperation was as raw as an open wound. "And what can I do, HUH? What can I do? Fucking shoot myself! So I can go right BACK!"

"I don't know! But..." Sam paused to get his breath, ran his fingers through his hair. "Let's...let's get you to Bobby, huh? He can look after you a bit."

"WHAT! I don't need looking after." Dean pushed at him ineffectually. "The friggin' seals are breaking all over… I haven't got time for a nice bit of R&R! I've got a job to do!"

"You're skating on a thin line here."

It seemed at first that Dean hadn't even heard him. "Or all that shit is gonna be right here, in the world!"

"I just want you to be okay."

"Well I'm not okay. I'm not ever gonna be okay. We're ALL skating on a thin line. END of the WORLD, Sam!"

"I can handle it. I'm stronger right now." Sam's conviction sounded sincere.

"You can't handle this yourself. You're not stronger, you're drugged up!"

"No. I'm stronger. I've got this." The emotion left his tone. "There's times when you're stronger and now is my time."

Dean lurched to his feet. "So your demon diet is making you physically stronger than me, fine, that'll help against a major player from hell. Why do you believe her Sam?"

"No." Sam winced. "That's not what I mean."

"I know what they're capable of. And believe me I am gonna do ANYTHIN' to stop it happening again. So don't try and side-line me with Bobby, 'cause I will kick your ass!"

Sam's face fell as he realized that there was no getting through Dean in his current state. Maybe not ever.

Dean's voice was deepening to a shout. "I have a right to be in on this one. NO-ONE has more right than me!"

Sam shut down very abruptly at the tirade, shoved the lid down on his emotion.

His brother ground the heels of his palms into his eyes, his voice harsh. "Isn't it time you went back to Ruby? 'Cause you're screwing with my head here."

Sam swallowed and stood up. "I...love you. I...know it may not be reciprocal right now. But... I do." He headed to the door, still shut down, face flat.

"You fucking self-centred piece of shit!" A red flush spread over Dean's pale cheeks. "How can you think I don't love you? I fucking went to HELL for you!"

Sam turned, shocked at the reproach. "You went to hell for yourself, Dean. Not for me. You didn't want to be alone. So you brought me back." He could feel the anger building again. He was hurt, upset and he turned it all back on Dean. "What's dead should stay dead. And I shoulda stayed dead!"

The words took the wind right out of Dean's sails. "Is that what you think? I only brought you back so I wasn't lonely?" His voice was small and very, very hurt. "Is that really all you think of me?"

"I don't know what to think anymore."

"You're right, what's dead should've stayed dead. It should've been you and Dad all along. I was already dead remember?"

"Don't put that burden on me. It's not mine to shoulder." Sam answered, even as he battled the guilt that Dean was throwing at him.

"No, it's mine. It'll always be mine." Despair poured off his brother.

"Yeah maybe it should have been me and Dad. I'd rather it was you and me but when it comes down to it, Dad shouldn't have dealed. And I should've died at Cold Oak."

Dean's eyes were bleak. "You did."

"I should've stayed dead." Sam's voice was sincere. "At Cold Oak."

"But hey, never mind." Dean's expressive face twisted with sarcasm. "Apparently I wanted a trip to hell anyway."

Sam's nostrils flared. "Stop twisting my words, Dean!"

"Are you going? 'Cause I think you've said just about everythin' you wanted to."

Sam paused, lifted his head. "Do you want me to?" He met Dean's unforgiving expression and dropped it again. "Yeah. I guess you do." He looked lost for a moment.

"Well you tell me. Seeing as I'm scared to be alone." There was bitter sting to the response.

"Are you?" Sam raised an eyebrow in inquiry, knowing Dean was throwing his words back at him but wanting to see if he should take them as a double entendre.

Dean ducked his chin, breaking eye contact. "Why did you come here, Sam?"

The emotion broke through again. "To see my brother."

"Gah!" Dean scrubbed his hand across his head, frustration on his face.

Sam stood patiently, his eyes taking on a plaintive look.

"Sam. I don't know what to say here man. YOU walked off. Not me. And you're making me feel like I'm the one should be apologising."

"No!" Sam exclaimed. "I...I apologized. I was wrong for leaving."

His brother gripped the bridge of his nose for a moment, closing his eyes.

"What do you want from me, cause you're confusing me dude?"

Sam continued, owning up to his mistake. "There was no excuse for me to do that to you."

"Sam! Leave it! It's over now. Done." Dean paused. "Doesn't stop what you're doing with Ruby though, does it?"

His younger brother went quiet. "No. No it doesn't."

"So why are you here? 'Cause you still haven't told me."

"I have told you."

"You wanted to find me, I'm found. You wanted to apologise or somethin'. You've done that. So now what do we do?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." Sam offered lamely. He stood a bit awkwardly, unsure of himself. "I don't know."

"I AM NOT gonna tell you it's all okay to be with Ruby."

"I don't need your permission to be with her."

Dean turned away a little, showing Sam his shoulder. "Don't seem to need much from me at all now, Sammy."

Sam sighed. "Why would you say that?"

Dean turned back, squinting at him, annoyed. "What was it you said... I've got this one, I'm stronger? Well you're not strong enough for this. And nothin' you say is gonna make me think you are. Ruby is gonna double-cross you and then destroy you." His voice dropped almost to a whisper. "Destroy us both."

Sam pressed ahead with the same logic. Doggedly. Stubbornly, like he always did, as if he just repeated it enough it would sink in. "Tactically, this is our best option."

"We'll find another way. One that doesn't involve trusting a demon!"

"There is no other way."

"There HAS to be. It's meant to be you and me, Sammy!"

Sam shook his head. "We have like 10 seconds to lift off Dean. Unless you got an option you haven't told me, I don't see another one."

"Not you and some demon. Don't do it, please." It was a desperate plea.

"It IS you and me." Sam assured. "It will always be you and me." He studied Dean's expression a moment. "You're jealous." He huffed. "Is that it?"

Disappointment settled on Dean's features. "Cheap shot, Sammy."

"We do not have time to play the jealousy game. We have zero options and the timer is ticking down." Sam paused. "You're going to sit here and look me in the eye and honestly tell me you aren't jealous?"

"You're such a friggin' jackass. I don't want to get in your pants. I'm tryin' to look out for you here." Dean rolled his eyes, trying to pass it off as sarcasm but failing to hide the hurt note in his voice. "When did you stop trusting ME?"

"You don't listen to anything I say without your filter, do you? The one that twists everything I say. Everything. I DO trust you. I just think your judgment is...clouded here."

"What did I twist? Nothing. You want to kill yourself doing what some demon bitch tells you to do. There's no twisting that!"

"Nothing?" Sam snorted.

Dean yanked open the top of his duffle bag and began to root around inside. He came up with another bottle of whiskey. "Thank god." Said fervently.

Sam continued to talk over his action. "Me saying I'm stronger right now. Me saying you shouldn't have dealed to get me back. Me saying you're jealous. It's ALL twisted in your head." The expression turned to his renowned bitch face. "And of course me telling you, you drink too much. That'll be twisted too."

"I'm too tired to fight with you, Sam." Dean took a drink of whiskey, licking at his bottom lip as the burn took hold.

"I don't want to fight with you. I want us to be brothers." Sam's face was earnest.

"Doesn't matter what I say, you're gonna turn it around. There's no point saying anythin' anymore."

Sam stepped forward tentatively. "I see you're hurting. I wanna help."

"What? By telling me I'm weak. I drink too much. That you can do what you want. Yeah that helps. Thanks."

Sam couldn't hide his despair at the accusation. "No."

Dean jammed the bottle neck against his lips and tipped it up, swallowing hard until the level was a third of the way down the label. He dragged in a breath, blinking as his eyes lost focus for a moment.

"Hey." Sam put his hands on Dean's shoulders, trying to anchor him. "I'm here, man. I'm right here."

Dean stared at him balefully, took another few swallows of liquor.

"It's hard to watch you self-destruct. Don't make me do it." Sam squeezed his shoulder.

His brother pulled away, tongue fumbling a little over the words. "Don' touch me… Nothin' left to destruct." He waved the bottle in Sam's general direction, the liquid inside sloshing around noisily. "I'm okay."

Sam's eyes grew sad. "Yeah. I can see that."

Another couple of swallows and Dean's eyes were glassy, a little bloodshot.

"I've been keeping my distance not because I want to, but because I can't watch you do this to yourself." Sam felt the wall growing taller. "And I can't let you take me down with you. There's too much at stake. And you're going to... If I get too close." Even now Dean's despair dragged at him. Weighed him down.

"I've never taken you down, EVER. And I never will."

"You are now." Sam grabbed the bottle and pulled it away.

It was like dropping a lit match onto lighter fuel. "How can you even SAY that! I'm doin' nothin' to you. YOU CAME HERE! Just fuck off if you feel that way. GO ON FUCK OFF!"

.

 _ **Last chapter soon… Thank you for reading!. Many thanks to our reviewers:**_

 _ **Ruby, Hare in the moonlight, iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, mckydstarlight, Shazza85, Duxe, fevres, GypsyPriestess, Badwolf40, DearHart, narakunohime, Daughter of Hades, waitingforAslan, babyreaper and Guests.**_

 _ **CelineNaville and Mariamo**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Personal Demons**

 **Chapter Eight**

 **(final chapter)**

.

Sam's voice was raw with desperation. "Oh god Dean. Listen to me. Please fucking listen to me."

"What! What!" Dean swallowed hard, screwing his eyes shut as he tried desperately to hold onto the last shreds of his self-control. "All I ever do is listen to you! You never goddamn shut up!"

A flash of hurt played across the boyish features. "No. No you don't."

"I LISTEN. But I don't AGREE! That's what you can't stand."

"No." Sam shot back, his ire rising. "You never fucking listen to me! You're just like dad!"

"Oh way to go, Sammy. Bring Dad into it. Someone else who wouldn't roll over and die just 'cause you said so." Dean swayed a little, shaking his head to clear the alcoholic haze.

"Fucking..." Sam cut himself off and squeezed his eyes shut. "God! It shouldn't hurt this much to talk to you."

His brother was on a roll. "Dad was DAD! I'm not Dad. You know I was on your side. All the time!"

"You were on his side." Sam replied steadily, eyes still shut.

"What! It was me, ME there lookin' after you. You mean 'cause I didn't cut and run? That's just common decency Sam."

Sam met his gaze, suddenly steely. "You stood by him when he told me to get out."

"I'm a hunter. That's what I do… Me and Dad, we hunted. YOU left."

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "Okay let's not dredge this up."

"No?" Dean had a combative look on his face. "Why not?"

"Yeah, let's keep adding layers of pain to this." The younger muttered under his breath.

"You have held that against me ever since you left..."

"I have NOT."

"…and you're not ever gonna let it go!"

"No. It's let go. You're the one who acts like I did something horrible going to Stanford!"

Dean's eyes narrowed. "If it was let go, you wouldn't have brought it up just now."

"I didn't."

"Whatever."

"Make up your own version of reality." Sam said flippantly. "Like you always do."

Dean flapped a dismissive hand at him. "Yeah whatever. What friggin' happened to my life? Why is my kid brother... oh tell ya what…. never mind." He leaned against the little kitchen worktop, looking suddenly exhausted.

"What." Sam's stubborn side was engaged. "Why am I what?"

A sigh. A gruff grumble. "Just let it go, Sam."

"No. I wanna know." The answer was recalcitrant.

"Tough shit. Hey…" A sardonic smirk crept over Dean's face. "Maybe you can mojo it outta me?"

Sam stepped forward to the challenge and rolled his neck. "You wanna fight?" He puffed his chest out, doubling his size like a dog with his hackles raised. "You wanna go at it and clear the air?"

The Winchester jaw firmed and jutted forwards, a spark re-igniting in Dean's narrowed green eyes. "Any time you like, little brother."

Sam grabbed Dean's collar and tossed him sideways.

Dean slammed into the wall, hard. He rolled around so his back was to the surface and laughed. "That all you've got?"

"I'm not here to KILL you, Dean."

Dean sneered at him, deliberately provocative. "Not gonna hit me then, huh? No RUBY to back you up?"

"Come on." Sam taunted, waving him forward with a gesture of his fingers.

Dean moved, all trace of drunkenness obliterated as he stepped forwards, light on the balls of his feet, almost dancing. He grinned, raising an eyebrow.

Sam stood waiting for Dean to strike. Still large and looming, using his size to his advantage. "What's wrong? Afraid I'll kick your ass?"

"C'MON! This is getting boring!"

"Little brother isn't so little anymore."

Dean snorted. "I'm shakin' in my boots."

Sam threw a punch.

Unexpectedly, Dean didn't even attempt to evade the blow, letting it hit him full in the face. He staggered backwards, laughing, wiping blood off his lip with his fingers. "That it?"

"You wanna fight me, then fight me." Sam bit back. "I'm not using you as a punching bag. You do that to yourself enough already."

His brother moved, fast. A rock hard fist smacked into Sam's face. "Happy now?"

Sam's head rocked backward with the blow. A predatory smile curved his lips as he tried to lock his brother in a grapple.

"Your turn." Dean slipped away, lithe as ever. He smirked at Sam from just out of arm's reach. "Not so easy without the old pointy finger is it, SAMMY!"

Without warning, Sam swept his leg under Dean's.

Dean hit the floor with a thud, rolling away immediately and kicking Sam viciously in the kneecap.

Sam grunted and staggered away. "Ow! Jesus, Dean."

His brother was back on his feet, again just out of reach, glowering.

The pain fed Sam's urge to fight and he charged him again.

Dean dodged, barely seeming to move. "I didn't get the message here, Sam!" He swayed out of the way as Sam threw a huge paw in his direction. "Was this a fight without strikes or what?!" There was a sharp crack as his hand slapped the back of Sam's head.

Sam turned around mid-momentum with a dexterity that belied his size and plowed into Dean from behind.

Dean was thrown forwards into the cupboards, taking the impact from the cupboard edge across the middle of his chest. He kicked back immediately, his boot landing squarely in Sam's ribs, before twisting away and backing off. A slight unsteadiness in his gait was the only indication of how much the impact had hurt.

"You're heavy, y'know that." He sounded winded. "Too much friggin' lettuce."

"Yeah. Yeah I do." Sam grunted, trying to bring Dean down again.

"How are you gonna take down Lilith…" Dean dodged away. "…if you can't take me down?" Sam's kidney received a sharp jab. "I'm half cut, and really fucking tired…"

Sam caught Dean with a well-placed elbow.

It hurt. Suddenly genuinely irritated for the first time in the altercation, Dean retaliated with a stamp to the back of Sam's knee.

Sam went down for a second, his legs buckling like a folding table with the hinge knocked out.

Dean moved so fast his brother had no time to even begin to react, suddenly his hand was twisted in Sam's hair, pulling his head back, the ice cold blade of a knife against the exposed throat. Sam froze, his brother's growl vibrating in his ear.

"I could end you, right now. Demon mojo, muscles... they don't mean nothin'!" The cold of the blade was gone as it slammed point first into the floor in front of Sam's face. "Why don't you get that!"

Sam's eyes shot wide, totally shocked. His thought they were having a sparring match to clear the air swept away by the viciousness of the attack.

Dean still had hold of his hair, lips right against his ear. "DO YOU THINK LILITH IS GONNA PLAY NICE! YOU ASS!" His hand withdrew, tearing out a few strands of hair as it went.

Sam's breath hit the carpet with a few harsh pants of disbelief. "Did...did you just THREATEN me?" He set his jaw, lurched up and bucked Dean off him hard.

Dean wasn't fighting any more. He hit the floor, pushed himself back up. "No Sammy, that's why the knife is in the floor. Just proving a point." Dean wiped absentmindedly at the trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

"There was no point to prove."

The knife slid back into Dean's boot. "You're not as strong as you think. I wish I could make you understand that. You are gonna get hurt! Or worse."

"I don't care, Dean." Sam pulled himself to his feet, eyes wary.

"Well I DO!" His brother's eyes were chips of green ice.

"Well too bad! You knew when you dragged me back into the life that I might die. One or both of us. It's what we DO."

"Not like this. Not now. There's gotta be another way." Dean dropped his chin, anger suddenly gone. "I didn't mean to drag you back in. Not like that. Not to this."

"Well until you come up with another way, this is our option." Sam brushed his hands off, his entire demeanor noticeably different." He was silent for a moment before adding. "I know you didn't."

His brother was suddenly smaller, defeated. "Nothin' I say is gonna make any difference to you, is it? You always think you're right, that you know best. I'm wasting my time here." He turned his shoulder to Sam. "You shouldn't have come here."

"I need options. Until you appeal to me logically, no, you won't change it." He narrowed his leonine eyes, glowing hazel blue in the light. "Maybe I am right sometimes. Huh? You ever think of that?"

"Well I'll just get the hell outta Dodge then and write me a thesis or somethin' and get back to ya, logically! You are NOT right about this!"

Sam shook his head, hooked his thumb in his pocket. "How bad are the flashbacks, Dean?"

The change of subject visibly shocked his brother. "What!"

"How bad?" Sam pushed. "How much have you been hiding?" He looked up again, challenging, prying. "We keep acting like it's just me with secrets."

"Nothin' you need to worry about. Nothin' you've had TIME to worry about, with your busy social schedule." Dean's tone was dismissive.

"Bullshit. Don't dodge."

Despite the attempt to be unemotional, the twist of the expressive mouth showed the hurt. "Don't remember you being here much lately, Sam."

Sam could sense he was gaining ground. He wasn't about to back off now. "And that angel. How often are you visited by him, huh?"

"Cas is Cas. What's he got to do with it? He turns up when he feels like it."

"He sit there and tell you what an evil demon spawn I am all the time?" A thought ran through his mind and Sam's jaw tightened. "How I'm contaminated because of something that happened when I was a baby? Is THAT your problem with me?"

Dean frowned. "Don't bring Cas into this. He doesn't alter what I think."

Sam's eyes turned from angry to suddenly hurt. He turned his back to Dean. "That's it, isn't it?"

"You've always had demon blood in you."

The tone was defeated. "You think I'm evil."

"Didn't mean you had to add to it."

Sam's eyes filled with tears.

Dean's voice was quiet, persuasive. "You're Sammy. That's NOT evil. You keep drinkin' that blood, you will be."

"It doesn't matter what I do...you're going to see me as a contaminated freak now. Dad told you to kill me." He tried to keep his voice level but there was a broken quaver. "And Azazel said I was contaminated and now the angels..."

"Sam! Calm the fuck down! You KNOW I don't think that! Stop being dramatic." Dean gestured angrily, frowning. "The angels are all asshats!"

Sam turned to look at him squarely, his ski jump nose red. "NO. No I don't know that...Then why are you listening to them?"

"Do you think I would give a shit about you, if I thought that?"

"Yes, yes I do."

Dean met his gaze, held it, intent. "I don't listen to 'em. They talk, I do what I think is right. You can't exactly dismiss a feathered nuclear missile."

"Yeah well I could say the same about Ruby. But you wouldn't believe me would you."

"You ARE doing what she wants!"

"And you're doing what the angels want!" There was the same tone Sam used to use on their father.

"How?"

"How? By trying to stop me from drinking the blood. The angels have shown themselves to be untrustworthy and Ruby so far hasn't."

Dean scowled. "I don't trust any of the sonsabitches! I used to trust US."

"No, you didn't. Not since dad told you to kill me."

"I'm tryin to stop you drinking the blood 'cause THAT'S gonna kill you, turn you into a demon!" Dean stepped forwards, trying to make his point stronger by encroaching a little on Sam's personal space.

"It's making me stronger..."Sam started to respond and then turned indignant. "I am NOT a DEMON, I am a good person!" He surveyed his brother. "You don't even think that anymore, do you?" The realization wounded him.

"You won't be. Give me some credit, Sam. Been there, done that." There was something stark in Dean's expression.

Sam's eyes filled with unshed tears.

His brother's voice was shaking. "How do you think all those people get down there? They do bad stuff. Some nowhere near as bad as you're doing, drinking that blood. I don't WANT you to have to go there. NOT EVER!"

"I'm gonna fucking GO..." He paused, almost surprised by his brother's logic. "Why do you think it's so bad? Why? What have I ever done that was bad? Tell me."

"Hell is bad, Sammy. Take my word for it. Demons belong in hell. You drink enough blood you'll be one."

"You're telling me I'm going to Hell." Sam was building steam; the next words came out in a yell. "That I'm WORSE than the people who go to HELL?!"

"Do the math." Dean's frustration was clear. "You're drinking shots of DEMON BLOOD! GAH!" He raked a hand through his hair.

"Are you serious? What I'm doing is worse?" The utter hurt was pouring off the younger man. "How is that worse than fucking KILLING people or raping kids? I have always been a good person. I still AM a good person."

"I don't want them to have any reason, ANY, to make you go there!"

"Well then I'm already damned, right?" Sam's tone turned bitter. "May as well finish the job."

Dean was becoming more and more distressed, his eyes big, pleading, the visual image affecting Sam more than the words. "Stop now! Just stop now, Sammy. Please!" He looked near to tears.

Sam's honor was offended to the core of his being. "I love you Dean. I NEVER thought you were a bad person. NEVER."

"You're not a bad person. Won't matter jack shit. Not when your eyes are black. One way ticket Sam!"

Sam continued. "Even when you told me that you...carved people up downstairs, I KNEW you were good. That the Dean I KNOW is good. And you can't even have faith in me. Well I'll tell you what? I didn't spend 10 years ripping people to shreds. I didn't." His voice was unyielding. "So don't you fucking judge me."

Dean crossed to the sink and cupped some water into his mouth, spitting a bloody stream into the basin. He leaned there on his forearms, dropping his head. "Are we done?" The words were desperate, Dean visibly unravelling.

"No answer, huh? I never wanted to be done with you. But you're not giving me many options."

Dean's head stayed down. "No defence Sam. None. That's what you lawyer types like I guess." Waves of acute misery seemed to flood across the room. "Maybe you'd better go then."

Sam kicked the side of the bed. "I hate to see you hurting. I fucking hate it."

"Doesn't matter. I deserve all of it and more, so don't worry about it."

"Yeah. Doesn't matter you pissed yourself on my lap." Sam threw his arms up. "Why should I be upset about that?"

"All this…" Dean pushed himself upright, facing his brother as he swept an arm through the air. "ALL OF IT is my fault." He paused, taking his brother's words on board. "WHAT! I did not." His face colored with shame.

"You did too."

"Stop saying that, you jerk!"

"You threw up on me and you pissed yourself, Dean." Sam's eyes were serious. The intensity of his gaze giving Dean nowhere to hide.

Humiliation was painted across Dean's cheeks. "Just stop Sam. You don't need to deal with this. I never wanted you to deal with this. It only happened 'cause of Ruby. I can handle it… I can…" His breath hitched, speeding up.

"Yeah well I can't." Sam walked over to him.

"Then leave…"

Sam pulled him into a very, very tight hug. It was more of a desperate clutch. His shoulders hitched with a sob.

"Uhh…" The breath was forced out of Dean's chest. "Sam. Don't." A gleaming bead slipped down his cheek and mingled with the fine thread of blood from his lip.

"Okay. I'm...I'm going." Sam swallowed hard. Gathering himself. "I loved you." He released him.

Dean pulled in a harsh breath, his eyes suddenly wide as the past tense of the word sank in.

"Huh?" Sam's breath hitched, not registering what he said or what Dean heard.

Dean's expression crumpled.

"God." His little brother choked back another sob. "Is it supposed to hurt this much?"

His brother looked stunned, horrified, slipping down to sit on his ass against the sink base. "I'm sorry Sammy." The words sounded strangled.

"M'sorry too. I don't know what to do here, man...If I die, go find Bobby. Okay?"

Dean was crying silently, not even aware of it, staring at him. "Be right behind ya Sam."

Something about his brother breaking down composed Sam. He spoke very concisely. "No. Don't do that. Go find a nice girl."

"Not lettin' you go there by yourself."

"I'm not going to Hell, Dean." Sam responded. "And neither are you."

"Keep tellin' yourself that." The words were bitter.

"You're a good man. You've earned heaven. You're the pet of the angels. You'll be fine."

"Yeah…" Desolate. "I started the friggin APOCALYPSE!"

"Not your fault." Sam responded.

"I'm nobody's fuckin' pet. It was my fault. My fault you're doing this. Everythin' is my fault."

"You always think that." Sam smirked and let out a huff. "... and yet you always blame me."

"I don't blame you for that." Dean looked hopeless. "For anythin'."

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated. "I can't do this."

His brother's head dropped back against the sink, rolled to the side, breaking eye contact. "Just go Sam. You shouldn't have come. Nothin' has changed."

Sam nodded, the composure crumpling a little as the feeling that he was being told to stay out by his father again washed over him.

"What is that look for?" Despite his best intentions, Dean saw the look on his brother's face. "You always do that friggin' kicked puppy look."

Sam looked up, oblivious that he was wearing a kicked puppy look, all sad eyes and furrowed brows.

"Shit Sam. Don't." Dean could never dismiss his brother, not when that look was on his face. It was Sam's greatest weapon and he had only the slightest inkling of how powerfully it affected his brother, brought out his protective instinct.

"Don't what?"

Dean visibly pulled himself together, levering himself up off the floor. "Don't… Just don't do that."

"You're..." Sam paused to collect himself. "...throwing me out."

"You fucking ass."

"I get it." Sam ducked his head, swaying under the weight of old wounds. "I'll go."

"I will NEVER throw you out!"

"Then why are you doing it now."

"I'm NOT! You don't need to see this, me... It's you and Ruby now!"

"You've told me to go and that nothing has changed and that I'm evil like 50 times, Dean." Sam blurted, then changed tracks with his usual mercurial speed. "Don't need to see this? What does that mean?"

"Slow down...!" The whole emotional scene had thrown Dean completely off balance. He dragged his fingers through his hair, unable to keep up with the unpredictable changes in Sam's demeanor.

Sam stopped, jaw trembling, listening to Dean.

"I'm sorry I let you down. I don't want you to see me all... all broken. But I don't want you to go and get yourself killed... Goddamnit, why can't I get through to you!"

"Oh jeez. Dean. You're NOT letting me down..." Sam assured. "I don't care if you're broken." His eyes were soft. "You're my big brother."

"I don't want to put this on you. That's why you shouldn't have come."

"Put what on me?" Sam's tone was suddenly all compassion.

"Me, THIS!"

Sam gave up. "I just want to help and I'm not. I...I'm making things worse."

Dean glowered. "You don't make things worse."

"Really? 'Cause that's what it looks like I'm doing. I just wanted to apologise." Sam ran a hand over the back of his neck, huffed. "Then you tell me I'm evil and I realize we can't see eye to eye on this."

"I have never said you were evil, never. I dunno what to say to you. I'm so fuckin embarrassed."

"And I...out of all this I just wanted us to part as brothers. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

The sound of Dean's teeth grinding was audible. "Part as brothers... you've made your mind up then."

"No." Sam's eyes were hard and determined again. Dean didn't know what to do with the new look Sam so often wore. "But you have. Clearly."

Dean was completely out of his depth, confusion wrinkled his features. "How have you got that?"

"Got what?"

"Sam please." It was too much, Dean didn't even know what they were arguing about any more. He flopped down, putting his head in his hands. He hated verbal confrontation; it was so much easier just to punch someone.

"What?" Sam shook his head. "Like I haven't thrown up and pissed on you."

"You were a kid." The comment was dismissed.

"Dude... I walked in on you fucking two women at once and you weren't embarrassed."

Dean fought for equilibrium, focussing on the mental image, now years distant. He smiled a little. "Nothin' to be embarrassed about."

"I think we've crossed the embarrassment mark, you know." Sam snorted a reluctant laugh. "Yeah. Thanks for that image by the way. It still haunts me."

The smile lifted into something that was almost a classic Dean smirk. "Yeah."

"God." Sam's dimples appeared as he dropped his gaze and shook his head with a smile.

"It was easy back then, huh?" It seemed so long ago.

"Piss on me all you want...don't subject me to THAT again. Okay." Sam's grin came easier. "Yeah, yeah, it was. You were the best brother."

Dean flushed, betrayed by his pale skin.

Sam bent down and took Dean's face in his hands, fiercely, tenderly. "You know where to reach me, okay?"

"Where are you goin' Sam?"

"You told me to go and I'm going."

"I don't want you to go." Whatever else was going on, that much was true.

Sam stopped, partly to the door. He looked back hopefully. "No?"

"It's meant to be you and me, against the world."

Sam's face closed off. "I'm not going to stop, Dean. Not until we kill her. Just know that." He swallowed. "But I'll stay here with you...I want to stay here with you."

Dean's eyes held equal measures of despair and hope.

"Can I stay?" There was hope under the question.

"Why do you have to ask? Thought you didn't wanna stop."

"Because..." Sam didn't get the words out before he choked up.

"Shit Sam, don't cry." Dean tugged him in, tucking him under his arm like big brothers do.

Sam fell into the embrace.

"I'm not gonna stop trying to keep you away from Ruby, y'know?" Dean tightened his grip, almost as though he could physically save his brother simply by holding on.

"And I'm not gonna stop going. But..." Sam leaned into his chest, seeking some weird solace there.

Dean's whiskey breath flooded the air between them.

"You're still a friggin jerk." Sam said to break the feeling.

"… and you're a bitch." It was said without rancour.

"You smell like a brewery." Sam wrinkled his nose.

A small smile slipped up the side of Dean's face. "Distillery Sam, distillery."

An ashamed look of realization crossed his features. "You're right."

Dean, always able to switch from one mood to another at the drop of a pin, snorted in delight. "Did I just catch out the nerd!"

Sam snorted, hair in his face. "Yeah. Yeah you totally did."

"That's 'cause I'm the eldest." Self-satisfaction illuminated the exhausted lines of his brother's face.

"Oh, I'll keep that in mind next time I know everything."

Dean tapped his own forehead, deliberately annoying, slipping back into their familiar roles with relief. "Up here for thinking, down there for dancing."

Sam laughed snottily. Eyes red.

"Jeez Sam." A disgusted eyebrow rose. "You're getting snot on me."

Sam grabbed the front of Dean's olive green jacket and wiped his nose on it to be an asshole.

"SAM!"

"What?" Sam asked innocently. "It's already green. Boogers. It will blend in with yours."

"Yeah." Some of the tension finally drained out of Dean's arm. "You want that beer?"

"I think you've had enough to drink. How about a burger?"

"You want a burger! Sammy is gonna eat a burger? That I've gotta see."

Dean was already on his feet, holding out a hand, a look of relief and gratitude on his face.

"You ever think what it'd be like, to not have had me fucking things up?"

Dean hoisted him onto his feet, slapped the back of his head.

"Shut up, Sammy."

Sam took the blow, looked at him with puppy eyes.

"Give that oversize brain of yours a rest, willya? You're making my head hurt."

Sam rubbed his head where he got smacked and looked awkward.

Dean was already at the door. He opened it, spoke without looking back. "Most days, you're the only good thing." And he was gone, stepping quickly outside and out of view.

Sam's face softened. He looked ready to cry.

They both knew that terrible things lay ahead, but perhaps for a little while longer they could pretend for a few minutes, here and there, that everything was okay. It wasn't enough, not for either of them, but it would have to do.

The End

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 _ **CelineNaville and Mariamo**_

 _ **That's all folks! Thanks so much for reading this fic. We love feedback, so many, many thanks to our reviewers:**_

 _ **Ruby, Hare in the moonlight, iwokeuponthewrongsideoflife, mckydstarlight, Shazza85, Duxe, fevres, GypsyPriestess, Badwolf40, DearHart, narakunohime, Daughter of Hades, waitingforAslan, babyreaper, OnANickle and Guests.**_


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